Complete Heartache

At 9:45 Friday september 9th 2011 eleven I got a phone call from my mom saying she was at my house and to come open the door. Honestly I had no suspicions as to why she was over. I got up off the computer and opened up the door. I saw my dad turn the corner, then my older brother Brandon, and then my mom. It wasn't until then I was a little confused and then when either my dad or brother walked in the door and gave me a hug is when I knew... Tanner was gone... I just stood in the entry way of my door in shock not knowing what to do and then grief, and completely aching heart and the biggest pit in my stomach came over me. My life literally just came crashing down and I just lost it. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my life. Its amazing how emotional pain can cause you so much physical pain as well. My heart literally aches. I can feel the emptiness inside and my stomach tied into knots. I haven't been able to eat since I found out. There are no words to describe the type of pain it is to loose a sibling. In my case I have now lost my 2 younger siblings. We came into the house and took a seat on the couch. I then began asking questions of what happened. I already knew that he had taken his own life and I know why. He was suffering. Depression and extreme anxiety. A few months ago he had a revelation "choose the right way to live and be happy", and thats what he chose to do. He stopped doing the things that he knew was wrong, gave up so many friends and began coming back to church with Paul and I. He was doing so good, but temptations from his old life came back and it was hard. One of the last conversations I had with him was 2 weeks ago today. He came to church with us and after came over to our house for me to cut his hair. I asked him how he was doing and said I am trying so hard to do whats right and I just am not happy still...
I asked my dad what happened? If there was a note? Who found him? What time? Where? etc... My dad said he spent the afternoon with him. Tanner came in laid on his bed, let my dad tickle his back. My dad said that on the security camera he could see him out front sitting on the bench, folding his arms, bowing his head, looking like he was praying. Around 5-5:30 my dad found the note. I have yet to read it since the police took it. My family said it was short but explained that he just could not live life anymore. And that it named each of us by name and said how much he loved us. He also wrote about how baseball was one of the only things in life that brought him true happiness and thats why it was with him. My dad found his body with a baseball mitt next to him and a bucket of his baseballs that he would practice pitching with. My dad said he sat with him for a minute talking to him, asking why? and probably some other stuff. He headed back to the house, turned around and tried giving him chest compressions but he was already gone... He died instantly. He shut his eyes for him and called 911. I feel SO incredibly bad and sad for my dad that he had to whitness that. I can't even imagine finding my own child after taking their life. Police came and were there for 4 hours. When my sister died I happened to be up in utah, I was the last of my family to find out then, and the last one to find out this time too. I'm not going to lie that I was extremely mad that I started out with 3 siblings and now only have 1. I just don't understand it. I just wanted to throw up, punch something, cry. I cried my heart out. Because it just ached so much, and still does. Today we were supposed to celebrate his 20th birthday. His birthday is on Tuesday the 13th. The very last conversation I had with him was on Wednesday. I called to ask what he wanted for his birthday dinner and that I was going to make him a cheesecake. He LOVED cheesecake and I was so excited to make him a "real" one that wasn't a no bake kind. He seemed so excited about it on the phone which made me all the more excited to make it for him. While I was sitting on the couch with my family I just kept saying I was supposed to make him a cheesecake, and go buy the supplies for it tomorrow. I kept saying I just want to go give him a big hug and tell him I love him. That is really all I have wanted since is just to be able to give him a hug. It hurts so incredibly bad knowing I can't. And won't be able to until we are together again in the afterlife. I was sad and angry that I would never get to see him get married, finish school, have babies. Or that he wouldn't be able to see my kids grow up, who adored their Uncle Tanner or see me have more kids.
My dad said that when the police were over at the house that the stake president came over. When they took my brothers body out they were back in a room getting blessings. In one of the blessings he said that he has been with Heavenly Father and was greeted by my sister who is a glorious being and it was a joyous reunion. That brought so much comfort to me as well. Yesterday the stake president was over and promised my dad that in a quiet and still time that my brother was come to him and let him know that he was okay. I am so looking forward to hearing about that. I wish I could have that too.
I can't even to begin to imagine the pain that a mother and father feel when they lose a child . As a sibling you are losing your own flesh and blood, but to lose one you created, raised, taught, and loved. Cried with Laughed with or just sat with. Did everything for and your life revolved around them. I don't want to even begin to imagine. My parents have got to be some of the strongest people I have ever met. Friday night my brother was telling me something he saw on facebook one time that said" God only gives you trials he knows you can handle. I wish God didn't trust me so much". I'm sure so many of us think that. I know some peoples trials are harder than others. I wish my parents could finally be given a break. Maybe they are given these trails to help others learn. Who knows. I know that they are strong and the people they are today because of the trials they have been given, but I know they have felt a lot of pain and heartache along the way, and pleaded with the Lord for comfort or to understand way more than they should. Its been a tough year. My dad had a stroke exactly 3 months ago on the day tanner passed. We could have lost him. It was serious. All I can say is I thank our Heavenly Father that I didn't have 2 of my family members leave this earth in 3 months. That would have been a nightmare and more than I could handle. I would always tell my dad and tanner please don't ever die because I think I would have a breakdown. I would not be able to handle it. I know I will be comforted and will be able to handle it, but doesn't mean that it isn't still going ard to do.
I know that Tanner wasn't happy and that this truly was the only thing he could do to find happiness. It was the light at the end of his tunnel. But all I can think is I just wanted him to be happy. Why couldn't it be here, on earth. It was a rough night. I had my awesome friend come over who has just gone through this 2 years ago november. I just wanted someone over that knew the same pain I was feeling. And that had been through it, Not just going through it like me and my family but had been through it. Been through the hard, hard parts but who has also been able to find the happiness again and the heartache been lifted some. It was a good distraction. But once they left reality sank back in. Everything reminds me of him. The saw dust completely covering our garage floor from one of the last times he was over building a sub box for his car, the pair of jeans still sitting on top of my dryer that are his, Sitting on the couch because thats where he used to sleep when he lived with us, right now sitting at this computer because last time I saw him he was on here playing some game, hamburgers since that was the last meal we ate together, His baseball uniform shirt I am wearing right now that I stole from him years ago because I Loved it. Movies, music, The chair sitting on my back porch from when I cut his hair last. Driving down the street and remembering being in the car with him, getting in my car since he would ride with me in there. Drinking jamba juice, making sugar cookies, everything!
I could barely sleep Friday night. I could not stop the crying. I would think about him in my sleep and wake up crying, got up and thought of him and the crying started. I walked into the garage and saw the saw dust and lost it. When we pulled up to my parents house and saw his car parked in the driveway I lost it and just had to sit down. Sit down on the bench where he probably sat last when my dad saw him on the security cameras looking like what was praying. I walked into the house and saw his dresser and all of his shoes in the living room. He loved shoes! My mom has started clearing out his room the other day so that they could do some remodeling in there. I now don't want them touching it at all... I decided I needed a distraction and went shopping with my friend to get a dress for the funeral. I started crying in the store because when we got new clothes we used to always show each other and say look at my new stuff. I now can't show him my new dress. I started crying at the storage unit when they asked for my id and behind it was a ticket to the zoo I had that I was going to use to take him. He had never been before and really wanted to go. I couldn't help but cry several times while getting a pedicure and everyone there probably thought I was crazy. Its a little embarrassing to cry in public and not just tears rolling down your face cry but a real heartfelt cry with the noises and all. But you know what, I LOVE my brother and I don't care what people think. I will cry my heart out anywhere if I need to.
I went in his room last night and just layed in his bed. I can't tell you the overwhelming peace that I could feel in there. I swear to you I could feel him in there with me. Later that evening 2 of his best friends came over. They have been friends since they were 1 and the other friend since they were about 5 or 6 I would say. It was the strangest thing, When they walked in I just wanted to tell them go on back to his room he is back there. And then I had to re-realize that he is not back there and never will be. It was good to talk to them and hear their stories, give them hugs of comfort and just talk. Neither of them are members of the church and it was good to hear my dad bear testimony to them. Let them know that he was with Heavenly Father in a better place, that he was greeted by Morgan and happy. That he now realizes that what he has done is wrong. They asked if they could go back in his room. I went back there a little after they did and asked if they could feel a difference in the room and they said yes. That they instantly felt comforted when they walked in and they too felt like he was there. One took a picture of the big sign tanner had on his wall that said choose the right way to live and be happy and said that it was awesome. That they had been having conversations about how he was trying to change and be a better person. Do truly do what was right and I know that he was on that path. They asked if they could take something small of his to always remeber him by and we let them each take a bottle of his cologne. He had lots. I will for sure miss his scent, smile, talking with him, EVERYTHING. He is my little brother who I love so much and will never stop loving him. He was and is an amazing person and I know he is going to do so much on the other side, and will be watching from up in heaven cheering us on. He will be there when my children's spirits are put on this earth. My older brother will be working on getting ready to go through the temple to be able to do Tanners work for him. That will be such an amazing experience for him and the rest of our family. I have so much going through my head right now and just wanted to write some of it down before I forget what I was feeling through all of this chaos.I know its really jumbled and just all over the place. Sorry... I truly hate this. People always say to pray to Heavenly Father and just talk to him. Well I did that. I told him I know he has a plan for each of us but I am not happy about this one. I know it was Tanners choice to leave this world and I'm not angry at him AT ALL. He did not do this out of selfishness but merely because he couldn't see living life anymore with the way he was feeling. And he has been dealing with this for quite a while now. He has seeked help multiple times. It truly was just too much for him. My mom mentioned we may feel so sad right now but this is how he felt everyday. Its a relief to know that those pains are now lifted from him and that he doesn't have to feel it anymore. I heard her tell my aunt that a few days ago he said the only way up is to go up. My dad said he didn't understand til now.
I kept telling my family that night I truly feel as though Heavenly Father was preparing me for this. For the past little while I just had strange feelings. Worried about Tanner and every time my mom would call I would listed to her tone. I was always worried that she was calling me to tell me something happened to Tanner or that he passed. Tanner had never expressed to me that he didn't feel like he could take it on this earth any longer. I knew he wasn't happy and was struggling but honestly never thought it would come to this. I expressed to my mom on thursday how I was paranoid whenever she would call and asked if she thought he would ever commit suicide and she said no. She said she was worried about him but never thought he would and if he did that it most likely would have been from accidental drug overdose or something. Never the way he did it. I wish with all of my heart and soul, my entire being that this did not have to happen. That he could have had happiness and allowed his friends and family to help him find it. We would have been willing to do ANYTHING.
Last night I was able to sleep pretty good. I woke up and just layed in bed with my eyes closed thinking of all the amazing memories I have with him. I didn't want to open my eyes. I could feel him there with me and almost as though he was talking to me. Last night I was talking with Paul on our way home and he was saying you know you can always just talk to him. I think I would feel a little silly talking out loud to someone that is not there, well I guess he would be in spirit form. I just expressed to Paul how all I wanted was to give him a hug one last time and tell him I loved him. Last night when I was in Tanners room I felt that. I could feel his arms around me giving me a big hug and wasn't letting go real fast. It was great. He needs to come and give me more of those!
Going through this is hard. VERY,VERY hard. Losing my sister was VERY hard as well but completely different experience. Death is never an easy thing to deal with, and however they leave this world the results are always the same. They are gone. And I HATE IT with a passion. I want my little sister here, and I want my little brother here. My family means the world to me. I am so so so very greatful to been able to have both of them be a part of my life. I am forever blessed for that. They have both taught me so much and have made me who I am today. I miss them both greatly. I know things will be easier with time. I know that because I have already been through it. But right now, Where I am I just have to take it minute by minute. Day by day. And I have to tell myself its okay to cry and I don't need to be embarrassed. I told my mom I guess thats what I get for never allowing myself to cry is an unlimited supply of tears that don't seem to ever dry up. But its good. Its good to grieve and we all have the right to do it in our own way and time. It's hard when people ask you how are you doing or what can I do for you. My instinct is just to reply I'm good, or fine but really I am such a mess and so torn up inside and the only thing I want is for my brother back, to be happy, to be whole where I can give him a hug, talk to him, hang out with him like before. Unfortunately no one can do that for me. No one can bring him back. No matter how much I wish it, or pray for it I have to accept the facts. And it is a really hard thing to do. It is so real but at the same time its not. I keep expecting him to be in his room each time I walk by, to walk through the front door, to see him in the kitchen drinking milk out of the carton waterfall style like he always did. He put a load of laundry in the morning he died and it was hard to see his shirts hanging in the laundry room and his clothes in the dryer. I want to see him doing his laundry. Telling me about how awesome his new sheets and blanket are and how I should be jealous of how soft they were. I hate that things get turned into past tense. He LOVED baseball, he LOVED his family. I like to believe he still loves all the same things and I don't want to turn things into past tense quite yet.
All I can say is that I am so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that we have of eternal families. It is such a comfort and blessing to know. To know that I will be with him and my sister again someday. Right now I wish it was sooner than later, but I also realize that I have my own family here that I need to enjoy, be there for, Love and support. And I have my parents and brother that I still have to love, hug and be with. I really do have so much here on earth to enjoy! And as bad as I just want my brother back now, I know I will be with him again as long as I am righteous and do what I am supposed to. To always choose the right way to live and be happy. Because that is what Tanner would want each and every one of us to do. And the afterlife I will be with him so much longer than our life here on earth. It is just a moment in time compared to the eternities.
For anyone that knows him, knows that Tanner was an amazing kid. He was such a smart kid, so talented in sports, and anything he put his mind to. He had so much potential. He was about to finish up school and start college. He wanted to go into the medical field, possibly sports medicine. He had such an amazing smile and I know that has carried with him. He had such a loving heart. He has always had a hard time showing emotion and talking about things that really mattered but I know with all my heart and soul that he had the best heart and spirit. Always meant well, and he was SO SO loved by everyone. Probably more than he ever realized. Thats the hard thing with death is all of us left behind regret not telling them we loved them more, not trying to call more often to see how they are doing, calling to see if they wanna hang out. You wonder if you could have done anything different to change the outcome of their decisions. What if I would have invited him over Thursday night and he had a blast, gave him some hope to live. Or text him Friday morning. Praised them in everything they did good to give them higher self esteem. Make them see how wonderful of a person they are. I know he knew I loved him and cared so deeply for him. I know he knew I always just wanted what was best for him, and for him to be happy. Because I told him so, when I was cutting his hair. That I wanted him to be happy and that he has family that loves him and is their for him. I know it can be hard to turn for people for help, and when you are in a deep depression sometimes the desire is just gone. You become numb. I hope everyone will always say positive things to people, never make them feel down or unloved, and especially NEVER judge a person. You never know what they are going through or dealing with and feeling judged by people around you can be a very very destructive thing. I know for him going back to church was so hard. He felt like because people knew he had a past that everyone would judge. Please don't ever do that and only make people feel accepted, and loved, and welcomed. Seek out the positive in people and always give them the benefit of the doubt. Most people have really great hearts and spirits but have just got caught up in worldly things and lost sight of whats important. You never know when someone is so fragile and weak, That is what I have learned. people often times are very good at masking their real feelings. Good at hiding when they are at their lowest low. Tanner always had a smile on his face. I knew he was at a low but never knew exactly how low he was until Friday. I just pray we can all strive to always think positive thoughts about people and only look for the good.
I'm sitting here at the computer stroking the keys. It reminds me of my brothers manly hands stroking this same keys just 2 weeks ago. It almost just makes me want to press on them all day, or lay in his bed all day. Never take off his baseball shirt, just so I can feel closer to him. It's weird looking at people around me, or people updating their status on facebook and seeing their lives going on. Talking about how the diamond backs won the game(which Tanner would have loved) going to California, Announcing pregnancies,and going on dates. While I am here posting pictures about my brother that passed away, but yet I can't even look at them too long without feeling the sadness overwhelm me and I have to look away, turn off the screen, whatever. I feel like the world is moving all around me and I am just standing still, not able to move. I want people around, but yet I want to be alone at the same time. I want to feel comfort from others. People that I can talk to and just let it all out. Hear words of encouragement and love. I need to remember at this time to rely on the Lord for comfort and that he is always here for me and a listening ear. And they my savior is carrying the weight of this trial on his shoulders too. I am not alone... I need to remember that this too shall pass, and to endure to the end.
I hope you bear with me as I'm sure I will continue to write about this experience. It can be quite therapeutic. Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers. We all greatly appreciate them to help us through this hard time. I am so so so thankful for everyone that has been so supportive thus far. So many of my dads family was over yesterday helping get the house ready, a friend drove an hour over just to get a pedicure with me and give a listening ear, another friend took off work just so she could be with me. My cousins wife was so sweet and slipped me 25 dollar store credit she had to downeast basics so I could get a new dress for the funeral.I don't think she really knows exactly how much that meant to me. Ward members, friends and family stopped by to bring food, extend a hug, and just sit and listen. Maybe even share a few tears together. All of my moms family is flying in and my dad sister and my cousin are flying in. I think we just might have all of the uncles and aunts there showing their love and support for my family, but Tanner as well. I know he will be there to join us in our massive family reunion!