Foolish

I have been feeling a bit foolish today. I don't know what my deal is, maybe feeling the need to be mad at other people instead of Tanner. Upset at people who are only trying to be there for me, be supportive, wanting to make me feel as though they can relate. But the thing that has really been bothering me most is when people would tell me they know what I am going through. I just couldn't help but think to myself how in the world could they possibly know what I am going through. How can they know what it's like to have everything around you remind you of the person you lost, or to lose a brother, or to lose a brother to suicide. And even if they lost a sibling to suicide how can they relate to how close I was to Tanner, or how all I ever wanted to do was protect him.
Last night I was talking to Paul about how upset I was about this. That I was even feeling this way. The good thing about having a wise husband is that they can give you a good slap in the face to let you see things in a new perspective. A new light. And I tell you, after I had this talk with him I felt so sad, and foolish that I ever got upset at anyone that tried to tell me they could relate. The thing is when you lose someone, no matter how it happened, whether it be from cancer, car accident, suicide, handicap, body failure, etc the results are always the same. They are gone. And it hurts everyone that has to experience it. I have been having a little pity party for myself feeling like my circumstances are so much worse because my brother chose to take his own life. But there are so many people out there that have lost loved ones that didn't have a choice of whether they wanted to leave this earth or not. And like I said, no matter how they leave this earth it is hard. Really, really hard. We all wish they didn't have to suffer, or be taken early.
The other thing I have learned is never to compare your circumstances with other people. What may be a real trial to someone may be so miniscule to someone else. But that is not our place to judge. We need to be loving to those all around us.
I really do feel so silly that I really thought no one could relate to my situation. Know the pain I am feeling. Pain is pain, and I know others out there can relate. I wish so much they couldn't. Knowing that those that can relate had to go through this pain too breaks my heart. Its something I wish upon no one. So my pity party is now over. I am going to accept the love and support from those around me that want to help with an open heart. And I hope someday to return the favor to someone else that may be going through difficult times.