A very unhappy birthday

Today is my dad's birthday. His on the 12th and Tanner's on the 13th. They have shared birthdays together for the past 19 years. Today, instead of my dad being able to celebrate with family, he will be cleaning up the spot where Tanner passed. He insists on doing it alone. Feels as though its the least he can do for him. Maybe it will be somewhat therapeutic to him. Make him feel closer. I think no parent should EVER have to do that. My mom mentioned last night that my dad wasn't there to see my sister die, and my mom wasn't there to see my brother. They both have horrible memories forever embedded into their minds. I however think my dad's memory is far worse. I hope he can always remember the good instead of focusing on the last image. He is such a good dad, always thinking of others. He won't share hardly any details just so we don't have to know and feel the same pain he does. Last night while talking with my mom, aunt and uncle he began to cry. He said his blood pressure was through the roof that morning from being emotional and didn't want another stroke. How hard would that be to want to grieve, cry your heart out, yell, puke , punch something, who knows and be afraid to fearing of having another stroke and leaving your family behind. To feel like you now how to bottle it up inside which can make you feel absolutely horrible. I know. The day my sister died I was up in Utah. We went to lagoon that day with my cousins. I went home that night, early, thinking it was because my aunts were coming down to visit and my mom wanted me home for that. My aunts flew into Utah where I met them and then the 3 of us flew to Arizona. When I found out that Morgan had passed of course I began to cry. But then I started to become embarrassed crying in front of my aunts, my family, other people. I learned to shut off emotion and have been pretty good at it for the past 12 years. But I know how it is to want to cry, and just not be able to. It's a horrible feeling. I tell you I could not hold back the tears this time and I have just let them out. Let them flow endlessly if that's what they want to do.
I just feel so absolutely horrible for my dad right now. You look at him and you can see the sadness on his face. He looks miserable. I can only imagine what he is going through right now. I do know that he is a very strong person who rely's a lot on the Lord and that he will help him through this. I also feel So incredibly bad for my mom and Brandon. However they seem so much more composed. I know everyone deals with pain in different ways. focusing their emotion in different directions. My mom possibly focusing it on getting the house done and completed before family arrives. I know I am not the only one that feels my heart stop and feel squeezed every time I have a thought of him. Today I feel a little numb. The tears don't seem to want to come which I am fine with but the pain inside is still there. I know this week and next little while will have its ups and downs. Some moments I will feel okay and others will be really hard. Thats the great thing about the Holy Ghost and the angels around us that they can help provide us comfort when we need it most. So we don't have to be in despair all the time. I can feel the spirit with me. It got me through Morgan's death and I'm sure it will get me through this.
The thing about me is when times get rough I want to distance myself from my family. I figure if i'm not so emotionally attached to them that when bad things happen it won't hurt so bad. I know that's not what I should do. I love my family so much and I know they need me just as much as I need them. I can't help but wish I had spent more time with him. It's hard when you don't live at home and when you have a family you need to take care of. There were several times he asked me to go bowling with him the last 2 months he was here and I rejected because I had the kids and no one to watch them. Oh how much I wish I would have just accepted and found someone to watch the kids, or just bring them with us.
Almost everything in my house reminds me of Tanner. He lived with us here in our house for a few months. I was in the bathroom standing on the scale and remembered when I would be in the bathroom getting ready and he would walk into my room and stand at the bathroom door and talk with me. I'm going to miss that. Sitting at our kitchen table to eat meals. I was cooking eggs for the kids this morning and remembering all the meals I cooked for him there. I'm thinking that it's not so much that I feel numb as much as I just feel empty inside. It's amazing how one person can make such an impact on your life.
Yesterday and today my little boy has been so cuddly with me. He generally never sits still with me and right now he is sitting with me as I type and has given me lots of long hugs today and yesterday. I love it and want to soak it all in. I need to love my family a little more, squeeze them a little tighter. Only speak kind words and be uplifting. I know its hard to never over react to things, get upset over potty accidents on the floor, dumped out milk on the carpet, and food all of the floor. I have learned one thing from getting older and that is life is to short. You never know when someone close to you may go. It breaks my heart with how many people I know have died young. Death is sad at any age but it kills me when I hear of young kids or young adults passing, Fathers with young kids. I just know I need to enjoy everyone around me to the fullest. Only think positive thoughts, and let them know I love them. Give them hugs. That way if they are taken from us I will have no regrets never wishing I should of or could of.
Tomorrow is Tanner's 20th birthday. He would have been officially out of his teen years. Please take a moment to celebrate his birthday and the life that he had. Honor him and love him. And please wish my dad a happy birthday. Give him a little bit of happiness on this really hard day. Let him know he is too loved and being thought of. We may be mourning the loss of Tanner but I still want to celebrate my dads life with him. So happy birthday dad, I sure do love you so much!