Blah...

This stinks really bad... I don't know what else I can say. I have been trying really hard to be positive throughout all of this. I am only human though and can't help but have my weak moments. But the reality is my brother is gone and I am aching beyond belief inside. All I want is for him to be back. Alive and breathing on this earth. It hurts to look at pictures of him, to hear stories or tell stories of him. It hurts so bad to remember his smile and laughter and know that it is gone. That I can no longer call him up and invite him to dinner, to ask him to hang out, call about random weird things just because I wanted someone to talk to and he would listen. I hurt really bad and all I want is the pain to go away. I want him back with me, not buried in the ground. I want to be able to go and relax and have nothing on my mind. Have complete silence since all my mind seems to be doing lately is thinking. I've been thinking way too much and I need a break from it.
Yesterday I was pretty upset... Mad... Not at Tanner but simply the situation. We drove by where Tanner worked and it made me so sad that I would never be picking him up from work again. He used to call me when he had panic attacks to go pick him up, or when he locked his keys in the car to bring him the spares. To pick him up when he had a migraine... Or to take him back to pick up his car after going and picking him up. I feel like I want to get this frustration out somehow. To punch something or yell. Going out is hard. I get tired of being at home alone with the kids so I want to go out. But when I go out it seems even harder than when I am at home. Driving in the car, going to stores. Every time I drive west on the 60 it reminds me of going out to pick Tanner up from work. I now dread driving that way on the freeway.
The hard thing is I know that Tanner is no longer here. I saw his body and got the true confirmation. But for some reason my mind can't grasp onto it. Almost as though my mind refuses to accept the facts and I just think it can't be real. He couldn't have done it. If I call his phone he will answer or his car is in the driveway because he is home. I was looking on pinterest this morning and saw a thing for hanging stockings. My mom still has our stockings from when we were little that we still put out every year. It broke my heart today when I realized he wont be there for Christmas. Yesterday Paul was asking what our plans were going to be for Thanksgiving and I just don't know. I'm sure the holidays this year will be hard. For now I will take it hour by hour and day by day.