The good and the bad

As with all circumstances that come our way in life there are always the good and the bad. We will have good days, maybe even great ones where our hearts are filled with happiness, sunshine, and gratitude. And then we have the bad, and everyone experiences them. You get an "A" on a test, or get a flat tire. You get a raise at work, or you get a speeding ticket. You get an unexpected card in the mail that brightens you day, or you are at the grocery store ready to checkout and realize you forgot your wallet, (or your card is declined). The sad thing is we forget about how good the good things in life are and mostly focus on the negative. In my circumstance in dealing with the loss of a family member I have seemed to forget about the good for now.
These past two weeks I have been feeling as though my days are a little more bad than good. And I know I have good reason to be feeling this way. On Wednesday I went to the mall. DownEast Basics was having a sale of 50% off all of their clearance items. I thought it would be good to get out of the house, get my mind off of things, and of course do some shopping. And I can't pass up a good deal. The kids and I went up to the food court first and got some food. I was doing good until I walked past the Aeropastale store. For those that didn't know what Tanner did for work, he processed Areopastale returns. He was always wearing things he got from the warehouse. Then I walked past a Tilly's or something. A place he would have shopped at. I was just trying to breathe. I can't explain how it feels inside my body. How when I try to breathe it feels as though a weight is pushing on my lungs allowing them to do nothing. And my heart, the actual pain that it feels. This pain is just killing me on the inside. I just kept thinking I just need to leave and go home. This is too hard to do. But I was supposed to be meeting someone down at downeast and I didn't want to leave unexpectedly with no explanation to her. Breathing only worked for a little bit and then I could feel the tears start to come. I got in an elevator and let some feeling out. I composed myself when I got out and headed into Downeast Basics. I did my looking around and was getting ready to go try my things on when a girl working there asked me if I was Brandon Heywoods sister. I responded yes and she said she knew Tanner and was at the funeral. I began to cry, feeling a bit silly and told the girl I never knew that the mall could be such an emotional place. I went into the dressing room to once again let my emotions out. I finished up my shopping and we went to the play area. As we were sitting there I was talking with the girl I was with and of course things about Tanner came up. I enjoy talking about him, and this experience. It does bring some comfort, but it also is painful. Once again I started to cry. Goodness how many times was I going to cry at the mall that day. The answer is 4. I finally decided that I had, had enough and it as time to leave. That day ended up being a much harder day than I anticipated on. On my way home I called my mom. Let it all out. Have someone to listen to me and someone who also understands the situation since she is going through it too. I don't know as though I would have considered that a bad day, but maybe more as a hard day.
But I want to share something with you that I realized the next day. I had woken up and was trying to figure out what to do with my day. I have been VERY unproductive and if you saw my house right now you would understand what I am talking about. I thought about doing a load of laundry and if I only got one load done than that was okay. But as I was sitting there thinking about the things that I wanted to do with my day, I just felt sad. I just wanted to mope around and really not do anything. Be sad, and cry, and mourn. Then the thought came into my head. Tanner has moved on. He is progressing, learning, and moving on. Doing more important things with his life. I know Tanner wouldn't want me to just sulk around and not live my life. That he wants me to be happy, productive, and learning. Gordon B. Hinkley said "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured". And that is so true.
For right now though I need to mourn, be sad, and sulk. But also look on the positive things in life and the bright future that will come. Gordon B. Hinkley also said "Lord, increase our faith." Increase our faith to bridge the chasms of uncertainty and doubt. . . . Grant us faith to look beyond the problems of the moment to the miracles of the future. . . . Give us faith to do what is right and let the consequence follow."
As I was talking to my cousin that morning she was telling me I should set goals for myself. To continue doing my craft blog, do my nail tutorials, etc. It's something that I want to continue to do. There are so many things I want to do. I'm quoting Gordon B. Hinkley a lot in this post but I came across some things of his that really spoke out to me. He said "The best thing you can do is just keep busy, keep working hard, so you’re not dwelling on it all the time. Work is the best antidote for sorrow." I know it will take me some time to get back to normal. To feel as though I can go back to how things were before Tanner passed. But I need to keep busy and try to progress. Not just in physical things but spiritual and mental things as well.
One last thing that Gordon B. Hinkley said was "It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." For now that is what I am going to do. I will trust in the Lord and rely on him to get me through this. Increase my faith in Him and in His plan and know that I am never alone. That I have Him to lean on, share my thoughts and concerns with and know he is listening, that He out of everyone knows exactly what I am going through. And that brings me comfort.
So even though we all have the good and the bad days, the happy and the sad, I will work on moving forward. Applying the things I have learned throughout this trial to my everyday life. To learn and grow from it and hopefully become a better person. I feel as though I have learned so much from this experience in such a short amount of time. Lessons I feel as though should be learned throughout a lifetime and not all at once. But I am thankful. Thankful to learn and grow, and grow closer to Thee.