Life after death

The funeral is over. I wish I could say that things are magically better and that I feel as though life can move on just like before. But the truth is I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone else lives are moving on and mine just seems to be stuck in a rut for right now. That not everyone around me is feeling the sadness, the aching heart, and the missing of someone so dear to them. I know with time things will get easier, the pain will begin to fade, but as of now I still just don't feel like doing anything. I am useless around the house, and my poor kids probably aren't getting the attention they deserve. I am emotionally drained, and physically drained as well.
The funeral services were so great on Saturday. We had a open casket and Tanner looked great. It's always hard seeing a loved one like that. So still, and lifeless. But he looked so peaceful, and like him. I just stood over him, soaking in seeing him for the last time before he would be put in his final resting place. When in came time to say our last goodbyes that was hard. I did not want to say goodbye. I did not want them to close that casket. That was a hard moment. One I never want to have to go through again. The spirit in the chapel was great. The music brought such a peace and comfort and the words that were spoken were just right. When I got up to speak I was amazed at how many people were there. That meant so much to me. To know that Tanner had impacted so many people's lives and that they came to celebrate his life with us and show their love and support.
Brandon and I had gone out to Deseret Book the other day to buy some of those cheapie CTR rings that they always give out in primary. Well let me tell you they are not so cheap when you buy in bulk! We got 75 of them and my uncle was so very generous to provide the funds for them. Tanner had a lot of non lds friends and we wanted to share the message with them, to choose the right way to live and be happy. Because that truly was what Tanner was striving for the last little while here on this earth. The nice thing about the motto Choose the right is you can interpret it however you want. Whatever your beliefs and religion is there really is a right way to live. To obey the laws of the land is one example. Brandon also bought a ctr ring for him and Tanner. My dad got the same one the next day. Before the viewing Brandon placed the ring on his right ring finger. All three boys now have matching rings on the same finger. I can't tell you how nice it was to see everyone walking around with their ctr rings on. I hope it is something they cherish and strive for in memory of Tanner.
As we left the chapel we had the song He aint heavy he's my brother played on the piano. My mom, dad, Brandon, myself, and 3 friends were the pall bearers. So this song was perfect, and has so much meaning. It has been a family favorite for quite some time now.We proceeded to the cemetery to have a dedication of the grave. Tanner is buried right next to my grandma and sister. It is so nice that they can be laying side by side. It was hard to say goodbye. I did not want to leave. My mom went out to the cemetery on Sunday to take some flowers. I saw pictures of the fresh dirt packed down where his spot is and it broke my heart. It broke my heart to know that his body is now laying in the ground and not running around up here on earth. I hoped I would have gone before him. Isn't that how its supposed to go. The older siblings go first, not the youngest.
Things will be hard for a while. I know that. And it will come in waves. Some days will be good and some will be bad. But I hope to stay positive. Learn and grow from this trial and become a better person because of it. And that's all I want to do, so I can ensure myself a spot in heaven to be with them once again.