Blah...

This stinks really bad... I don't know what else I can say. I have been trying really hard to be positive throughout all of this. I am only human though and can't help but have my weak moments. But the reality is my brother is gone and I am aching beyond belief inside. All I want is for him to be back. Alive and breathing on this earth. It hurts to look at pictures of him, to hear stories or tell stories of him. It hurts so bad to remember his smile and laughter and know that it is gone. That I can no longer call him up and invite him to dinner, to ask him to hang out, call about random weird things just because I wanted someone to talk to and he would listen. I hurt really bad and all I want is the pain to go away. I want him back with me, not buried in the ground. I want to be able to go and relax and have nothing on my mind. Have complete silence since all my mind seems to be doing lately is thinking. I've been thinking way too much and I need a break from it.
Yesterday I was pretty upset... Mad... Not at Tanner but simply the situation. We drove by where Tanner worked and it made me so sad that I would never be picking him up from work again. He used to call me when he had panic attacks to go pick him up, or when he locked his keys in the car to bring him the spares. To pick him up when he had a migraine... Or to take him back to pick up his car after going and picking him up. I feel like I want to get this frustration out somehow. To punch something or yell. Going out is hard. I get tired of being at home alone with the kids so I want to go out. But when I go out it seems even harder than when I am at home. Driving in the car, going to stores. Every time I drive west on the 60 it reminds me of going out to pick Tanner up from work. I now dread driving that way on the freeway.
The hard thing is I know that Tanner is no longer here. I saw his body and got the true confirmation. But for some reason my mind can't grasp onto it. Almost as though my mind refuses to accept the facts and I just think it can't be real. He couldn't have done it. If I call his phone he will answer or his car is in the driveway because he is home. I was looking on pinterest this morning and saw a thing for hanging stockings. My mom still has our stockings from when we were little that we still put out every year. It broke my heart today when I realized he wont be there for Christmas. Yesterday Paul was asking what our plans were going to be for Thanksgiving and I just don't know. I'm sure the holidays this year will be hard. For now I will take it hour by hour and day by day.

The good and the bad

As with all circumstances that come our way in life there are always the good and the bad. We will have good days, maybe even great ones where our hearts are filled with happiness, sunshine, and gratitude. And then we have the bad, and everyone experiences them. You get an "A" on a test, or get a flat tire. You get a raise at work, or you get a speeding ticket. You get an unexpected card in the mail that brightens you day, or you are at the grocery store ready to checkout and realize you forgot your wallet, (or your card is declined). The sad thing is we forget about how good the good things in life are and mostly focus on the negative. In my circumstance in dealing with the loss of a family member I have seemed to forget about the good for now.
These past two weeks I have been feeling as though my days are a little more bad than good. And I know I have good reason to be feeling this way. On Wednesday I went to the mall. DownEast Basics was having a sale of 50% off all of their clearance items. I thought it would be good to get out of the house, get my mind off of things, and of course do some shopping. And I can't pass up a good deal. The kids and I went up to the food court first and got some food. I was doing good until I walked past the Aeropastale store. For those that didn't know what Tanner did for work, he processed Areopastale returns. He was always wearing things he got from the warehouse. Then I walked past a Tilly's or something. A place he would have shopped at. I was just trying to breathe. I can't explain how it feels inside my body. How when I try to breathe it feels as though a weight is pushing on my lungs allowing them to do nothing. And my heart, the actual pain that it feels. This pain is just killing me on the inside. I just kept thinking I just need to leave and go home. This is too hard to do. But I was supposed to be meeting someone down at downeast and I didn't want to leave unexpectedly with no explanation to her. Breathing only worked for a little bit and then I could feel the tears start to come. I got in an elevator and let some feeling out. I composed myself when I got out and headed into Downeast Basics. I did my looking around and was getting ready to go try my things on when a girl working there asked me if I was Brandon Heywoods sister. I responded yes and she said she knew Tanner and was at the funeral. I began to cry, feeling a bit silly and told the girl I never knew that the mall could be such an emotional place. I went into the dressing room to once again let my emotions out. I finished up my shopping and we went to the play area. As we were sitting there I was talking with the girl I was with and of course things about Tanner came up. I enjoy talking about him, and this experience. It does bring some comfort, but it also is painful. Once again I started to cry. Goodness how many times was I going to cry at the mall that day. The answer is 4. I finally decided that I had, had enough and it as time to leave. That day ended up being a much harder day than I anticipated on. On my way home I called my mom. Let it all out. Have someone to listen to me and someone who also understands the situation since she is going through it too. I don't know as though I would have considered that a bad day, but maybe more as a hard day.
But I want to share something with you that I realized the next day. I had woken up and was trying to figure out what to do with my day. I have been VERY unproductive and if you saw my house right now you would understand what I am talking about. I thought about doing a load of laundry and if I only got one load done than that was okay. But as I was sitting there thinking about the things that I wanted to do with my day, I just felt sad. I just wanted to mope around and really not do anything. Be sad, and cry, and mourn. Then the thought came into my head. Tanner has moved on. He is progressing, learning, and moving on. Doing more important things with his life. I know Tanner wouldn't want me to just sulk around and not live my life. That he wants me to be happy, productive, and learning. Gordon B. Hinkley said "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured". And that is so true.
For right now though I need to mourn, be sad, and sulk. But also look on the positive things in life and the bright future that will come. Gordon B. Hinkley also said "Lord, increase our faith." Increase our faith to bridge the chasms of uncertainty and doubt. . . . Grant us faith to look beyond the problems of the moment to the miracles of the future. . . . Give us faith to do what is right and let the consequence follow."
As I was talking to my cousin that morning she was telling me I should set goals for myself. To continue doing my craft blog, do my nail tutorials, etc. It's something that I want to continue to do. There are so many things I want to do. I'm quoting Gordon B. Hinkley a lot in this post but I came across some things of his that really spoke out to me. He said "The best thing you can do is just keep busy, keep working hard, so you’re not dwelling on it all the time. Work is the best antidote for sorrow." I know it will take me some time to get back to normal. To feel as though I can go back to how things were before Tanner passed. But I need to keep busy and try to progress. Not just in physical things but spiritual and mental things as well.
One last thing that Gordon B. Hinkley said was "It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." For now that is what I am going to do. I will trust in the Lord and rely on him to get me through this. Increase my faith in Him and in His plan and know that I am never alone. That I have Him to lean on, share my thoughts and concerns with and know he is listening, that He out of everyone knows exactly what I am going through. And that brings me comfort.
So even though we all have the good and the bad days, the happy and the sad, I will work on moving forward. Applying the things I have learned throughout this trial to my everyday life. To learn and grow from it and hopefully become a better person. I feel as though I have learned so much from this experience in such a short amount of time. Lessons I feel as though should be learned throughout a lifetime and not all at once. But I am thankful. Thankful to learn and grow, and grow closer to Thee.

Foolish

I have been feeling a bit foolish today. I don't know what my deal is, maybe feeling the need to be mad at other people instead of Tanner. Upset at people who are only trying to be there for me, be supportive, wanting to make me feel as though they can relate. But the thing that has really been bothering me most is when people would tell me they know what I am going through. I just couldn't help but think to myself how in the world could they possibly know what I am going through. How can they know what it's like to have everything around you remind you of the person you lost, or to lose a brother, or to lose a brother to suicide. And even if they lost a sibling to suicide how can they relate to how close I was to Tanner, or how all I ever wanted to do was protect him.
Last night I was talking to Paul about how upset I was about this. That I was even feeling this way. The good thing about having a wise husband is that they can give you a good slap in the face to let you see things in a new perspective. A new light. And I tell you, after I had this talk with him I felt so sad, and foolish that I ever got upset at anyone that tried to tell me they could relate. The thing is when you lose someone, no matter how it happened, whether it be from cancer, car accident, suicide, handicap, body failure, etc the results are always the same. They are gone. And it hurts everyone that has to experience it. I have been having a little pity party for myself feeling like my circumstances are so much worse because my brother chose to take his own life. But there are so many people out there that have lost loved ones that didn't have a choice of whether they wanted to leave this earth or not. And like I said, no matter how they leave this earth it is hard. Really, really hard. We all wish they didn't have to suffer, or be taken early.
The other thing I have learned is never to compare your circumstances with other people. What may be a real trial to someone may be so miniscule to someone else. But that is not our place to judge. We need to be loving to those all around us.
I really do feel so silly that I really thought no one could relate to my situation. Know the pain I am feeling. Pain is pain, and I know others out there can relate. I wish so much they couldn't. Knowing that those that can relate had to go through this pain too breaks my heart. Its something I wish upon no one. So my pity party is now over. I am going to accept the love and support from those around me that want to help with an open heart. And I hope someday to return the favor to someone else that may be going through difficult times.

Life after death

The funeral is over. I wish I could say that things are magically better and that I feel as though life can move on just like before. But the truth is I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone else lives are moving on and mine just seems to be stuck in a rut for right now. That not everyone around me is feeling the sadness, the aching heart, and the missing of someone so dear to them. I know with time things will get easier, the pain will begin to fade, but as of now I still just don't feel like doing anything. I am useless around the house, and my poor kids probably aren't getting the attention they deserve. I am emotionally drained, and physically drained as well.
The funeral services were so great on Saturday. We had a open casket and Tanner looked great. It's always hard seeing a loved one like that. So still, and lifeless. But he looked so peaceful, and like him. I just stood over him, soaking in seeing him for the last time before he would be put in his final resting place. When in came time to say our last goodbyes that was hard. I did not want to say goodbye. I did not want them to close that casket. That was a hard moment. One I never want to have to go through again. The spirit in the chapel was great. The music brought such a peace and comfort and the words that were spoken were just right. When I got up to speak I was amazed at how many people were there. That meant so much to me. To know that Tanner had impacted so many people's lives and that they came to celebrate his life with us and show their love and support.
Brandon and I had gone out to Deseret Book the other day to buy some of those cheapie CTR rings that they always give out in primary. Well let me tell you they are not so cheap when you buy in bulk! We got 75 of them and my uncle was so very generous to provide the funds for them. Tanner had a lot of non lds friends and we wanted to share the message with them, to choose the right way to live and be happy. Because that truly was what Tanner was striving for the last little while here on this earth. The nice thing about the motto Choose the right is you can interpret it however you want. Whatever your beliefs and religion is there really is a right way to live. To obey the laws of the land is one example. Brandon also bought a ctr ring for him and Tanner. My dad got the same one the next day. Before the viewing Brandon placed the ring on his right ring finger. All three boys now have matching rings on the same finger. I can't tell you how nice it was to see everyone walking around with their ctr rings on. I hope it is something they cherish and strive for in memory of Tanner.
As we left the chapel we had the song He aint heavy he's my brother played on the piano. My mom, dad, Brandon, myself, and 3 friends were the pall bearers. So this song was perfect, and has so much meaning. It has been a family favorite for quite some time now.We proceeded to the cemetery to have a dedication of the grave. Tanner is buried right next to my grandma and sister. It is so nice that they can be laying side by side. It was hard to say goodbye. I did not want to leave. My mom went out to the cemetery on Sunday to take some flowers. I saw pictures of the fresh dirt packed down where his spot is and it broke my heart. It broke my heart to know that his body is now laying in the ground and not running around up here on earth. I hoped I would have gone before him. Isn't that how its supposed to go. The older siblings go first, not the youngest.
Things will be hard for a while. I know that. And it will come in waves. Some days will be good and some will be bad. But I hope to stay positive. Learn and grow from this trial and become a better person because of it. And that's all I want to do, so I can ensure myself a spot in heaven to be with them once again.

Happy Birthday to THE BEST little brother EVER

Tanner's birthday was on Tuesday the 13th. He turned 20 years old. I can't believe my little brother was going to finally be out of his teenage years. That Morning I was sitting with Morgan. I asked her if she knew it was Tanner's birthday today. She responded "Mommy Tanner alive now?" I told her "No sweetie he is in heaven now", and she said "Mom we send his card to heaven?". She gave me the most wonderful idea. We were going to put her card with a helium filled balloon and send it right up into heaven because that is where Tanner is. I ran the idea past my family and they all agreed it was a good idea. After Morgan was done coloring her card I asked her what she wanted written on it. Her words were Happy Birthday, Hope you are happy, Hope you don't die. I then asked her " Morgan can you see Tanner?" She said "Yes". I then asked "Moragn what is he wearing when you see him?" She responded "clothes". I asked her "What color clothes?", and she said "White church clothes". I asked her a little later on "Morgan when you see Tanner where is he?" She said "He's at Tanner's house." I asked what is he doing when you see him?" She said "Sitting....Mom are there chairs in heaven?" I told her I have no clue but probably. She asked "Mom can we go to heaven" I asked why do you want to go to heaven. She said "To see Tanner". I then asked what would you do if you saw him and she responded "Give him hugs and kisses". My little girl is so sweet and pure. There is no doubt in my mind that my kids have a special spiritual connection with Tanner. The veil is so thin for these kids that i'm sure they can see him. They know he is okay and happy. And that brings me comfort.
Later that morning I met up with my mom and aunts down at the mortuary. I honestly thought I would not be celebrating Tanners birthday this way. Filling out a death certificate, and picking a casket. I do have to say this was probably his most expensive birthday present ever. It was not a fun thing to do. Saturday my cousins wife was over helping us come up with the design for the program at the funeral. She asked us how we liked the idea and I just had to respond I hate it. Not that I hated the design, she came up with a way that I think will be beautiful, but I hate the situation. I hate that we even have to be coming up with a funeral program. Who will be speaking. musical numbers, prayers, pall bearers, etc. And I felt this same way at the mortuary. Asking ourselves which casket we felt suited him best. Which color looked most like him and if he would look good in it. I know its a necessary thing to do and I am glad I was able to be a part of it, have a say, but it just hurt. It hurts that I know my brother is gone. That one week ago today was the last day he was here. Alive and breathing. I am not going to lie that I am so jealous that my family, his friends and co-workers got to spend more time with him in his last days than I did. I wish so much we could have one just one last conversation. But I can't think that way. I need to be happy that I did get to talk with him on Wednesday. That I talked to him about the cheesecake I was going to make for him and how he was going to come to church with us on Sunday. How we were going to eat costa vida for dinner. But he said he was so tired and falling asleep. He slept so much the last while he was here.
Tuesday afternoon Brandon went and got some balloons filled. We were going to go release them on his birthday but I really wanted someone to come and take pictures and video so we could remember this special occasion always. I also wanted to see the sky blue full of white fluffy clouds. The weather has been a little gloomy around here this past week. So we decided to wait until the next morning. I was able to get one of my friends to come and do the pictures and video. The morning came and the sky was perfect. Brandon went and filled the balloons. At 10:45 we headed out to qail run baseball park where Tanner used to play. So many good memories there. We went and stood on a field where he once pitched. Brandon said and prayer and then we released the balloons. And they soared up to heaven. There was not one cloud in the way of the balloons and we stood and watched until we couldn't see them anymore. We each wrote a special message to him or attached a card to the balloons.Poor Morgan was crying the whole time and refused to send her card up. She will keep onto it in a special place. We sent off exactly 20 of them for him. It was great there to be as a family, and close friends and feel the love that everyone has for Tanner. He is the most amazing kid and we wish he had a very happy birthday, up in heaven celebrating with our grandma and sister.
So happy birthday to the best little brother ever! We love you so much and hope you day was grand!
If you would like to view the video from the balloon release click here
To view more pictures click here
Funeral services will be Saturday September 17th, 2011 at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on 40th st and Brown. The Address is 3920 E. Brown road Mesa AZ 85205. Viewing will be from 9:30-11:00 and funeral services will start at 11:00 am.

Greatful with an aching but full heart

There is something that has been on my mind and I need to share. Please, Please, only remember Tanner for who he was on this earth and not how he left. I feel like so many times we tend to identify people by that. And that is now his identity. That people forget oh that kid that was so amazing and baseball, had so much potential, and instead its oh that kid that took his life. I am a VERY protective sister. Anyone talks smack about my brothers and it brings a fire out in me. I remember as a kid we would always go to the ocean. Now I could go as far out into the waves as I wanted but I would always tell my brothers, No you aren't allowed to go past this point in the ocean. I'm sure they both thought I was super annoying, and maybe still do. But the truth is that I love my brothers so much and they mean everything to me. One time when Tanner and I were young we were arguing. My dad made us stand outside and look at the stars. He said you see all the stars in the sky? If all of those stars represent spirits you two chose each other to be siblings. It was interesting to look at all of the stars that just seem endless and know out of ALL those billions of stars we chose each other to be family. Because we knew we would be good for each other. Help each other learn, and grow. Be there for support if needed. Friends come and go but family is forever. I know that when we were in the spirit world I knew that my life wasn't going to be easy, that I would lose sibling far before it was their time to go. I accepted to edure through these trials and all I can say is I am so thankful that Heavenly Father so much for enrtusting me with these trials and to be his sister so that I could be blessed all the more. Life has been hard. Losing two siblings has probably been the biggest trial thus far. But if I had to go through it all again just so that I could have that time with them, learn the things I did and was able to grow from knowing them I would. In a heartbeat. This is painful, very painful but there has been so much good. I have been blessed with amazing and fun memories of my brother and sister. Ones I will cherish for the rest of my days. I know there will be a void in my life. But I also know that he isn't completely gone. He may not be here in body, but his spirit is all around us. I can feel it. And I can feel the comfort of the other spirits around me as well. The gospel truly is an amazing thing. And the Atonement. I am also so grateful for a loving, understanding, and forgiving Father in Heaven. Anywho, This really all started out by me just wanted to ask people to remember him for who he was. The kid with the great heart, BIG smile, Curly blond hair, and a magnetizing personality. That just really means the world to me.

A very unhappy birthday

Today is my dad's birthday. His on the 12th and Tanner's on the 13th. They have shared birthdays together for the past 19 years. Today, instead of my dad being able to celebrate with family, he will be cleaning up the spot where Tanner passed. He insists on doing it alone. Feels as though its the least he can do for him. Maybe it will be somewhat therapeutic to him. Make him feel closer. I think no parent should EVER have to do that. My mom mentioned last night that my dad wasn't there to see my sister die, and my mom wasn't there to see my brother. They both have horrible memories forever embedded into their minds. I however think my dad's memory is far worse. I hope he can always remember the good instead of focusing on the last image. He is such a good dad, always thinking of others. He won't share hardly any details just so we don't have to know and feel the same pain he does. Last night while talking with my mom, aunt and uncle he began to cry. He said his blood pressure was through the roof that morning from being emotional and didn't want another stroke. How hard would that be to want to grieve, cry your heart out, yell, puke , punch something, who knows and be afraid to fearing of having another stroke and leaving your family behind. To feel like you now how to bottle it up inside which can make you feel absolutely horrible. I know. The day my sister died I was up in Utah. We went to lagoon that day with my cousins. I went home that night, early, thinking it was because my aunts were coming down to visit and my mom wanted me home for that. My aunts flew into Utah where I met them and then the 3 of us flew to Arizona. When I found out that Morgan had passed of course I began to cry. But then I started to become embarrassed crying in front of my aunts, my family, other people. I learned to shut off emotion and have been pretty good at it for the past 12 years. But I know how it is to want to cry, and just not be able to. It's a horrible feeling. I tell you I could not hold back the tears this time and I have just let them out. Let them flow endlessly if that's what they want to do.
I just feel so absolutely horrible for my dad right now. You look at him and you can see the sadness on his face. He looks miserable. I can only imagine what he is going through right now. I do know that he is a very strong person who rely's a lot on the Lord and that he will help him through this. I also feel So incredibly bad for my mom and Brandon. However they seem so much more composed. I know everyone deals with pain in different ways. focusing their emotion in different directions. My mom possibly focusing it on getting the house done and completed before family arrives. I know I am not the only one that feels my heart stop and feel squeezed every time I have a thought of him. Today I feel a little numb. The tears don't seem to want to come which I am fine with but the pain inside is still there. I know this week and next little while will have its ups and downs. Some moments I will feel okay and others will be really hard. Thats the great thing about the Holy Ghost and the angels around us that they can help provide us comfort when we need it most. So we don't have to be in despair all the time. I can feel the spirit with me. It got me through Morgan's death and I'm sure it will get me through this.
The thing about me is when times get rough I want to distance myself from my family. I figure if i'm not so emotionally attached to them that when bad things happen it won't hurt so bad. I know that's not what I should do. I love my family so much and I know they need me just as much as I need them. I can't help but wish I had spent more time with him. It's hard when you don't live at home and when you have a family you need to take care of. There were several times he asked me to go bowling with him the last 2 months he was here and I rejected because I had the kids and no one to watch them. Oh how much I wish I would have just accepted and found someone to watch the kids, or just bring them with us.
Almost everything in my house reminds me of Tanner. He lived with us here in our house for a few months. I was in the bathroom standing on the scale and remembered when I would be in the bathroom getting ready and he would walk into my room and stand at the bathroom door and talk with me. I'm going to miss that. Sitting at our kitchen table to eat meals. I was cooking eggs for the kids this morning and remembering all the meals I cooked for him there. I'm thinking that it's not so much that I feel numb as much as I just feel empty inside. It's amazing how one person can make such an impact on your life.
Yesterday and today my little boy has been so cuddly with me. He generally never sits still with me and right now he is sitting with me as I type and has given me lots of long hugs today and yesterday. I love it and want to soak it all in. I need to love my family a little more, squeeze them a little tighter. Only speak kind words and be uplifting. I know its hard to never over react to things, get upset over potty accidents on the floor, dumped out milk on the carpet, and food all of the floor. I have learned one thing from getting older and that is life is to short. You never know when someone close to you may go. It breaks my heart with how many people I know have died young. Death is sad at any age but it kills me when I hear of young kids or young adults passing, Fathers with young kids. I just know I need to enjoy everyone around me to the fullest. Only think positive thoughts, and let them know I love them. Give them hugs. That way if they are taken from us I will have no regrets never wishing I should of or could of.
Tomorrow is Tanner's 20th birthday. He would have been officially out of his teen years. Please take a moment to celebrate his birthday and the life that he had. Honor him and love him. And please wish my dad a happy birthday. Give him a little bit of happiness on this really hard day. Let him know he is too loved and being thought of. We may be mourning the loss of Tanner but I still want to celebrate my dads life with him. So happy birthday dad, I sure do love you so much!

Complete Heartache

At 9:45 Friday september 9th 2011 eleven I got a phone call from my mom saying she was at my house and to come open the door. Honestly I had no suspicions as to why she was over. I got up off the computer and opened up the door. I saw my dad turn the corner, then my older brother Brandon, and then my mom. It wasn't until then I was a little confused and then when either my dad or brother walked in the door and gave me a hug is when I knew... Tanner was gone... I just stood in the entry way of my door in shock not knowing what to do and then grief, and completely aching heart and the biggest pit in my stomach came over me. My life literally just came crashing down and I just lost it. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my life. Its amazing how emotional pain can cause you so much physical pain as well. My heart literally aches. I can feel the emptiness inside and my stomach tied into knots. I haven't been able to eat since I found out. There are no words to describe the type of pain it is to loose a sibling. In my case I have now lost my 2 younger siblings. We came into the house and took a seat on the couch. I then began asking questions of what happened. I already knew that he had taken his own life and I know why. He was suffering. Depression and extreme anxiety. A few months ago he had a revelation "choose the right way to live and be happy", and thats what he chose to do. He stopped doing the things that he knew was wrong, gave up so many friends and began coming back to church with Paul and I. He was doing so good, but temptations from his old life came back and it was hard. One of the last conversations I had with him was 2 weeks ago today. He came to church with us and after came over to our house for me to cut his hair. I asked him how he was doing and said I am trying so hard to do whats right and I just am not happy still...
I asked my dad what happened? If there was a note? Who found him? What time? Where? etc... My dad said he spent the afternoon with him. Tanner came in laid on his bed, let my dad tickle his back. My dad said that on the security camera he could see him out front sitting on the bench, folding his arms, bowing his head, looking like he was praying. Around 5-5:30 my dad found the note. I have yet to read it since the police took it. My family said it was short but explained that he just could not live life anymore. And that it named each of us by name and said how much he loved us. He also wrote about how baseball was one of the only things in life that brought him true happiness and thats why it was with him. My dad found his body with a baseball mitt next to him and a bucket of his baseballs that he would practice pitching with. My dad said he sat with him for a minute talking to him, asking why? and probably some other stuff. He headed back to the house, turned around and tried giving him chest compressions but he was already gone... He died instantly. He shut his eyes for him and called 911. I feel SO incredibly bad and sad for my dad that he had to whitness that. I can't even imagine finding my own child after taking their life. Police came and were there for 4 hours. When my sister died I happened to be up in utah, I was the last of my family to find out then, and the last one to find out this time too. I'm not going to lie that I was extremely mad that I started out with 3 siblings and now only have 1. I just don't understand it. I just wanted to throw up, punch something, cry. I cried my heart out. Because it just ached so much, and still does. Today we were supposed to celebrate his 20th birthday. His birthday is on Tuesday the 13th. The very last conversation I had with him was on Wednesday. I called to ask what he wanted for his birthday dinner and that I was going to make him a cheesecake. He LOVED cheesecake and I was so excited to make him a "real" one that wasn't a no bake kind. He seemed so excited about it on the phone which made me all the more excited to make it for him. While I was sitting on the couch with my family I just kept saying I was supposed to make him a cheesecake, and go buy the supplies for it tomorrow. I kept saying I just want to go give him a big hug and tell him I love him. That is really all I have wanted since is just to be able to give him a hug. It hurts so incredibly bad knowing I can't. And won't be able to until we are together again in the afterlife. I was sad and angry that I would never get to see him get married, finish school, have babies. Or that he wouldn't be able to see my kids grow up, who adored their Uncle Tanner or see me have more kids.
My dad said that when the police were over at the house that the stake president came over. When they took my brothers body out they were back in a room getting blessings. In one of the blessings he said that he has been with Heavenly Father and was greeted by my sister who is a glorious being and it was a joyous reunion. That brought so much comfort to me as well. Yesterday the stake president was over and promised my dad that in a quiet and still time that my brother was come to him and let him know that he was okay. I am so looking forward to hearing about that. I wish I could have that too.
I can't even to begin to imagine the pain that a mother and father feel when they lose a child . As a sibling you are losing your own flesh and blood, but to lose one you created, raised, taught, and loved. Cried with Laughed with or just sat with. Did everything for and your life revolved around them. I don't want to even begin to imagine. My parents have got to be some of the strongest people I have ever met. Friday night my brother was telling me something he saw on facebook one time that said" God only gives you trials he knows you can handle. I wish God didn't trust me so much". I'm sure so many of us think that. I know some peoples trials are harder than others. I wish my parents could finally be given a break. Maybe they are given these trails to help others learn. Who knows. I know that they are strong and the people they are today because of the trials they have been given, but I know they have felt a lot of pain and heartache along the way, and pleaded with the Lord for comfort or to understand way more than they should. Its been a tough year. My dad had a stroke exactly 3 months ago on the day tanner passed. We could have lost him. It was serious. All I can say is I thank our Heavenly Father that I didn't have 2 of my family members leave this earth in 3 months. That would have been a nightmare and more than I could handle. I would always tell my dad and tanner please don't ever die because I think I would have a breakdown. I would not be able to handle it. I know I will be comforted and will be able to handle it, but doesn't mean that it isn't still going ard to do.
I know that Tanner wasn't happy and that this truly was the only thing he could do to find happiness. It was the light at the end of his tunnel. But all I can think is I just wanted him to be happy. Why couldn't it be here, on earth. It was a rough night. I had my awesome friend come over who has just gone through this 2 years ago november. I just wanted someone over that knew the same pain I was feeling. And that had been through it, Not just going through it like me and my family but had been through it. Been through the hard, hard parts but who has also been able to find the happiness again and the heartache been lifted some. It was a good distraction. But once they left reality sank back in. Everything reminds me of him. The saw dust completely covering our garage floor from one of the last times he was over building a sub box for his car, the pair of jeans still sitting on top of my dryer that are his, Sitting on the couch because thats where he used to sleep when he lived with us, right now sitting at this computer because last time I saw him he was on here playing some game, hamburgers since that was the last meal we ate together, His baseball uniform shirt I am wearing right now that I stole from him years ago because I Loved it. Movies, music, The chair sitting on my back porch from when I cut his hair last. Driving down the street and remembering being in the car with him, getting in my car since he would ride with me in there. Drinking jamba juice, making sugar cookies, everything!
I could barely sleep Friday night. I could not stop the crying. I would think about him in my sleep and wake up crying, got up and thought of him and the crying started. I walked into the garage and saw the saw dust and lost it. When we pulled up to my parents house and saw his car parked in the driveway I lost it and just had to sit down. Sit down on the bench where he probably sat last when my dad saw him on the security cameras looking like what was praying. I walked into the house and saw his dresser and all of his shoes in the living room. He loved shoes! My mom has started clearing out his room the other day so that they could do some remodeling in there. I now don't want them touching it at all... I decided I needed a distraction and went shopping with my friend to get a dress for the funeral. I started crying in the store because when we got new clothes we used to always show each other and say look at my new stuff. I now can't show him my new dress. I started crying at the storage unit when they asked for my id and behind it was a ticket to the zoo I had that I was going to use to take him. He had never been before and really wanted to go. I couldn't help but cry several times while getting a pedicure and everyone there probably thought I was crazy. Its a little embarrassing to cry in public and not just tears rolling down your face cry but a real heartfelt cry with the noises and all. But you know what, I LOVE my brother and I don't care what people think. I will cry my heart out anywhere if I need to.
I went in his room last night and just layed in his bed. I can't tell you the overwhelming peace that I could feel in there. I swear to you I could feel him in there with me. Later that evening 2 of his best friends came over. They have been friends since they were 1 and the other friend since they were about 5 or 6 I would say. It was the strangest thing, When they walked in I just wanted to tell them go on back to his room he is back there. And then I had to re-realize that he is not back there and never will be. It was good to talk to them and hear their stories, give them hugs of comfort and just talk. Neither of them are members of the church and it was good to hear my dad bear testimony to them. Let them know that he was with Heavenly Father in a better place, that he was greeted by Morgan and happy. That he now realizes that what he has done is wrong. They asked if they could go back in his room. I went back there a little after they did and asked if they could feel a difference in the room and they said yes. That they instantly felt comforted when they walked in and they too felt like he was there. One took a picture of the big sign tanner had on his wall that said choose the right way to live and be happy and said that it was awesome. That they had been having conversations about how he was trying to change and be a better person. Do truly do what was right and I know that he was on that path. They asked if they could take something small of his to always remeber him by and we let them each take a bottle of his cologne. He had lots. I will for sure miss his scent, smile, talking with him, EVERYTHING. He is my little brother who I love so much and will never stop loving him. He was and is an amazing person and I know he is going to do so much on the other side, and will be watching from up in heaven cheering us on. He will be there when my children's spirits are put on this earth. My older brother will be working on getting ready to go through the temple to be able to do Tanners work for him. That will be such an amazing experience for him and the rest of our family. I have so much going through my head right now and just wanted to write some of it down before I forget what I was feeling through all of this chaos.I know its really jumbled and just all over the place. Sorry... I truly hate this. People always say to pray to Heavenly Father and just talk to him. Well I did that. I told him I know he has a plan for each of us but I am not happy about this one. I know it was Tanners choice to leave this world and I'm not angry at him AT ALL. He did not do this out of selfishness but merely because he couldn't see living life anymore with the way he was feeling. And he has been dealing with this for quite a while now. He has seeked help multiple times. It truly was just too much for him. My mom mentioned we may feel so sad right now but this is how he felt everyday. Its a relief to know that those pains are now lifted from him and that he doesn't have to feel it anymore. I heard her tell my aunt that a few days ago he said the only way up is to go up. My dad said he didn't understand til now.
I kept telling my family that night I truly feel as though Heavenly Father was preparing me for this. For the past little while I just had strange feelings. Worried about Tanner and every time my mom would call I would listed to her tone. I was always worried that she was calling me to tell me something happened to Tanner or that he passed. Tanner had never expressed to me that he didn't feel like he could take it on this earth any longer. I knew he wasn't happy and was struggling but honestly never thought it would come to this. I expressed to my mom on thursday how I was paranoid whenever she would call and asked if she thought he would ever commit suicide and she said no. She said she was worried about him but never thought he would and if he did that it most likely would have been from accidental drug overdose or something. Never the way he did it. I wish with all of my heart and soul, my entire being that this did not have to happen. That he could have had happiness and allowed his friends and family to help him find it. We would have been willing to do ANYTHING.
Last night I was able to sleep pretty good. I woke up and just layed in bed with my eyes closed thinking of all the amazing memories I have with him. I didn't want to open my eyes. I could feel him there with me and almost as though he was talking to me. Last night I was talking with Paul on our way home and he was saying you know you can always just talk to him. I think I would feel a little silly talking out loud to someone that is not there, well I guess he would be in spirit form. I just expressed to Paul how all I wanted was to give him a hug one last time and tell him I loved him. Last night when I was in Tanners room I felt that. I could feel his arms around me giving me a big hug and wasn't letting go real fast. It was great. He needs to come and give me more of those!
Going through this is hard. VERY,VERY hard. Losing my sister was VERY hard as well but completely different experience. Death is never an easy thing to deal with, and however they leave this world the results are always the same. They are gone. And I HATE IT with a passion. I want my little sister here, and I want my little brother here. My family means the world to me. I am so so so very greatful to been able to have both of them be a part of my life. I am forever blessed for that. They have both taught me so much and have made me who I am today. I miss them both greatly. I know things will be easier with time. I know that because I have already been through it. But right now, Where I am I just have to take it minute by minute. Day by day. And I have to tell myself its okay to cry and I don't need to be embarrassed. I told my mom I guess thats what I get for never allowing myself to cry is an unlimited supply of tears that don't seem to ever dry up. But its good. Its good to grieve and we all have the right to do it in our own way and time. It's hard when people ask you how are you doing or what can I do for you. My instinct is just to reply I'm good, or fine but really I am such a mess and so torn up inside and the only thing I want is for my brother back, to be happy, to be whole where I can give him a hug, talk to him, hang out with him like before. Unfortunately no one can do that for me. No one can bring him back. No matter how much I wish it, or pray for it I have to accept the facts. And it is a really hard thing to do. It is so real but at the same time its not. I keep expecting him to be in his room each time I walk by, to walk through the front door, to see him in the kitchen drinking milk out of the carton waterfall style like he always did. He put a load of laundry in the morning he died and it was hard to see his shirts hanging in the laundry room and his clothes in the dryer. I want to see him doing his laundry. Telling me about how awesome his new sheets and blanket are and how I should be jealous of how soft they were. I hate that things get turned into past tense. He LOVED baseball, he LOVED his family. I like to believe he still loves all the same things and I don't want to turn things into past tense quite yet.
All I can say is that I am so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that we have of eternal families. It is such a comfort and blessing to know. To know that I will be with him and my sister again someday. Right now I wish it was sooner than later, but I also realize that I have my own family here that I need to enjoy, be there for, Love and support. And I have my parents and brother that I still have to love, hug and be with. I really do have so much here on earth to enjoy! And as bad as I just want my brother back now, I know I will be with him again as long as I am righteous and do what I am supposed to. To always choose the right way to live and be happy. Because that is what Tanner would want each and every one of us to do. And the afterlife I will be with him so much longer than our life here on earth. It is just a moment in time compared to the eternities.
For anyone that knows him, knows that Tanner was an amazing kid. He was such a smart kid, so talented in sports, and anything he put his mind to. He had so much potential. He was about to finish up school and start college. He wanted to go into the medical field, possibly sports medicine. He had such an amazing smile and I know that has carried with him. He had such a loving heart. He has always had a hard time showing emotion and talking about things that really mattered but I know with all my heart and soul that he had the best heart and spirit. Always meant well, and he was SO SO loved by everyone. Probably more than he ever realized. Thats the hard thing with death is all of us left behind regret not telling them we loved them more, not trying to call more often to see how they are doing, calling to see if they wanna hang out. You wonder if you could have done anything different to change the outcome of their decisions. What if I would have invited him over Thursday night and he had a blast, gave him some hope to live. Or text him Friday morning. Praised them in everything they did good to give them higher self esteem. Make them see how wonderful of a person they are. I know he knew I loved him and cared so deeply for him. I know he knew I always just wanted what was best for him, and for him to be happy. Because I told him so, when I was cutting his hair. That I wanted him to be happy and that he has family that loves him and is their for him. I know it can be hard to turn for people for help, and when you are in a deep depression sometimes the desire is just gone. You become numb. I hope everyone will always say positive things to people, never make them feel down or unloved, and especially NEVER judge a person. You never know what they are going through or dealing with and feeling judged by people around you can be a very very destructive thing. I know for him going back to church was so hard. He felt like because people knew he had a past that everyone would judge. Please don't ever do that and only make people feel accepted, and loved, and welcomed. Seek out the positive in people and always give them the benefit of the doubt. Most people have really great hearts and spirits but have just got caught up in worldly things and lost sight of whats important. You never know when someone is so fragile and weak, That is what I have learned. people often times are very good at masking their real feelings. Good at hiding when they are at their lowest low. Tanner always had a smile on his face. I knew he was at a low but never knew exactly how low he was until Friday. I just pray we can all strive to always think positive thoughts about people and only look for the good.
I'm sitting here at the computer stroking the keys. It reminds me of my brothers manly hands stroking this same keys just 2 weeks ago. It almost just makes me want to press on them all day, or lay in his bed all day. Never take off his baseball shirt, just so I can feel closer to him. It's weird looking at people around me, or people updating their status on facebook and seeing their lives going on. Talking about how the diamond backs won the game(which Tanner would have loved) going to California, Announcing pregnancies,and going on dates. While I am here posting pictures about my brother that passed away, but yet I can't even look at them too long without feeling the sadness overwhelm me and I have to look away, turn off the screen, whatever. I feel like the world is moving all around me and I am just standing still, not able to move. I want people around, but yet I want to be alone at the same time. I want to feel comfort from others. People that I can talk to and just let it all out. Hear words of encouragement and love. I need to remember at this time to rely on the Lord for comfort and that he is always here for me and a listening ear. And they my savior is carrying the weight of this trial on his shoulders too. I am not alone... I need to remember that this too shall pass, and to endure to the end.
I hope you bear with me as I'm sure I will continue to write about this experience. It can be quite therapeutic. Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers. We all greatly appreciate them to help us through this hard time. I am so so so thankful for everyone that has been so supportive thus far. So many of my dads family was over yesterday helping get the house ready, a friend drove an hour over just to get a pedicure with me and give a listening ear, another friend took off work just so she could be with me. My cousins wife was so sweet and slipped me 25 dollar store credit she had to downeast basics so I could get a new dress for the funeral.I don't think she really knows exactly how much that meant to me. Ward members, friends and family stopped by to bring food, extend a hug, and just sit and listen. Maybe even share a few tears together. All of my moms family is flying in and my dad sister and my cousin are flying in. I think we just might have all of the uncles and aunts there showing their love and support for my family, but Tanner as well. I know he will be there to join us in our massive family reunion!