Holgate Family

Stand

2011-11-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

Hope

2011-10-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it has almost been a month since Tanner passed away. This is probably the longest I have gone without talking or seeing him, except for maybe when I lived up in Utah. Things are still really hard and I would like to say that with some time things have gotten better. I'm sorry to report that I am still having the hardest time. Life is hard. Yet I have so many great things around me. I have two wonderful kids, a loving husband, my parents and a brother. Life truly is good. The only thing missing is having my brother here in person.
I am sad about how Tanner died. That he felt he needed to. That hurts. But I try not to focus on that. I was doing a nail party last weekend and it happened to come up with one of the girls that Tanner died. The girl told me about how her dad passed away 5 years ago and how she doesn't feel sorry for him at all because he is in a way better place than here on earth but she is sad for herself. And I totally feel that way. I know that Tanner is in a way better place. He is freed from whatever was holding him back on this earth. That his depression, anxiety, and whatever other issues he may have had are gone. That he has been released and is free, happy, and finally able to move forward with his life. And I am sad for him in a sense. I feel like life is such a great thing, something that all of us should get to experience and enjoy and he no longer gets to have those earthly experiences. however the experiences that he gets to have now are WAY better than here. So the sadness that I am having is for me. Out of my own selfishness I am sad. Sad that I don't get to go through my life with my little brother by my side. That I can't create memories with him anymore. There are things I am learning that are bringing me peace. But I still ache. I wonder how long the pain will go on for, and I won't know until the day comes that it is lessened some, but I have found comfort in being able to talk with my Heavenly Father, my family members, or me being my crazy self and talking with Tanner. I am very thankful for VERY wise parents and an older brother who can give me guidance and comfort through this hard time for all of us.
Today I ran across this talk from Elder M. Russell Ballard entitled Suicided: Some things we know, some we do not. Suicide is something that isn't talked about much in the church. And I feel that a lot of people that have experienced losing someone to suicide feels the need to mask it. That they are ashamed of them. That they shouldn't have a funeral, but rather just a graveside service. That it was an accident rather than intentional. Suicide is wrong and I don't think that we should praise the person for committing such a sin, because they did indeed take a life that wasn't theirs for the taking. But They are people who struggled, most likely weren't in their right frame of mind and made a mistake. And I think it is important to celebrate the life they did life and the good that came from it. Sadly suicide happens far too often, and it breaks my heart to the very core. But I think suicide awareness is important so that we can try and prevent it from happening to others.
Anyways after I read this talk it gave me hope. An d I hope Not just for me but for other families I know that have lost loved ones to suicide. I am so grateful for an ever loving and understanding God who is just. Who knows exactly what is going on with us and can judge us accordingly. I am so grateful for the atonement and a merciful God. I honsestly don't know how I would get through this trial without knowing and believing these things. I hope that this can bring comfort to those that have gone through similar experiences as I have, or even when just dealing with sin. To know that God is just and will judge accordingly. That he knows the intentions of our hearts and we can always repent. That no matter what he will always be there for us if we seek him.

Suicide:
Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not

By Elder M. Russell Ballard
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

M. Russell Ballard, “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Ensign, Oct. 1987, 6
I recall attending the funeral of an older man who had unfortunately taken his life. His wife had died years earlier, and as his health declined, he felt he had less and less of a reason to live. Gradually he found himself confined to the four walls of his home. A semi-invalid, he was unable to visit friends or go grocery shopping. His food was delivered to his door. He missed going to church, missed regular fellowship with other members of his priesthood quorum.

Although he wasn’t able to get about, the doctor assured him he could live many more years. “You neither smoke nor drink,” the doctor said. “You’ve taken good care of yourself. Other than the fact that you’re confined to your house and wheelchair, I give you a clean bill of health.”

While the doctor was trying to be encouraging, the man felt discouraged. This good brother felt his earthly life no longer had any value, and he wanted to join his beloved wife in the spirit world. The more he thought about death, the more appealing it became to him. He had been a faithful member of the Church all his life; he had served two missions and had been diligent in several leadership positions at different times in his life. But as he thought about the release he would find through death, his mind became muddled. He unwisely concluded that taking his own life would solve his problems.

I visited with the family after the funeral. As you might expect, they were greatly disturbed by what their father and grandfather had done. Their feelings ranged from grief to anger to guilt.

“I should have noticed how depressed he was,” one daughter said. “Then I could have helped him and prevented this.”

One son spoke rather harshly. “I never thought my father was a stupid man. But what do you say to this? If he loved us, he would never have done such a thing!”

A comment by the youngest son captured the despair they all felt: “There is no hope for dad now, is there?” he said. It was more a statement than a question. “All the good things he did throughout his life don’t matter anymore. Now that he’s taken his life, he will be in the telestial kingdom throughout eternity.” Then he wept.

The feelings expressed then by those family members are commonly felt by Latter-day Saints trying to cope with the suicide of a loved one or associate. The anguish and uncertainty they experience are extremely painful and difficult.

Sadly, the problem touches many lives. Every year in the United States alone half a million people try to take their own lives. Fifty thousand of those succeed. Unfortunately, the problem also exists among members of the Church. Consequently, the Church has provided counsel to priesthood leaders in the form of an LDS Social Services booklet entitled Identification and Prevention of Suicidal Behavior (stock no. PGSC6178).

The act of taking one’s life is truly a tragedy because this single act leaves so many victims: first the one who dies, then the dozens of others—family and friends—who are left behind, some to face years of deep pain and confusion. The living victims struggle, often desperately, with difficult emotions. In addition to the feelings of grief, anger, guilt, and rejection which the victims of such a family feel, Latter-day Saints carry an additional burden. The purpose of our mortal lives, we know, is to prove ourselves, to eventually return to live in the celestial kingdom. One who commits suicide closes the door on all that, some have thought, consigning himself to the telestial kingdom.

Or does he? What is the truth regarding suicide?

The prophets have taught us some important principles about suicide, but it is possible that many of us have misunderstood. Let’s review some of the fundamental teachings of the prophets on this matter.

First, President George Q. Cannon of the First Presidency made a clear statement about the seriousness of suicide when he said: “Man did not create himself. He did not furnish his spirit with a human dwelling place. It is God who created man, both body and spirit. Man has no right, therefore, to destroy that which he had no agency in creating. They who do so are guilty of murder, self-murder it is true; but they are no more justified in killing themselves than they are in killing others. What difference of punishment there is for the two crimes, I do not know; but it is clear that no one can destroy so precious a gift as that of life without incurring a severe penalty.” (Gospel Truth, 2 vols., Salt Lake City: Zion’s Book Store, 1957, 1:30; italics added.)

President Spencer W. Kimball made an equally strong statement in 1976. “It is a terrible criminal act for a person to go out and shorten his life by suicide,” he said. (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 187.)

Those statements on their own might seem to leave no room for hope. However, although they stress the seriousness of suicide, the statements do not mention the final destination of those who take their own lives.

The late Elder Bruce R. McConkie, formerly of the Quorum of the Twelve, expressed what many Church leaders have taught: “Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.” (Mormon Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966, p. 771; some italics added.)

Not long ago I was asked to speak at the funeral of a dear friend who had committed suicide. Knowing the person and the circumstances as I did, and researching the doctrine on the subject, I had some difficult moments in preparing for my remarks. I know that any fully rational person who contemplates suicide must realize what a terribly selfish act this is. Peace came to me only when I recognized that only the Lord could administer fair judgment. He alone had all the facts, and only He would know the intent of the heart of my friend. I was reconciled with the idea that a lifetime of goodness and service to others must surely be considered by the Lord in judging the life of a person. In the Lord’s mercy, perhaps the words of Alma will apply:

“The plan of restoration is requisite with the justice of God; for it is requisite that all things should be restored to their proper order. Behold, it is requisite and just, according to the power and resurrection of Christ, that the soul of man should be restored to its body, and that every part of the body should be restored to itself.

“And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged according to their works; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good.” (Alma 41:2–3.)

I feel that judgment for sin is not always as cut-and-dried as some of us seem to think. The Lord said, “Thou shalt not kill.” Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned, no matter the circumstances? Civil law recognizes that there are gradations in this matter—from accidental manslaughter to self-defense to first-degree murder. I feel that the Lord also recognizes differences in intent and circumstances: Was the person who took his life mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance that led to despair and a loss of self-control?

Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.

When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.

We learn in the scriptures that the blood of Christ will atone for the sins of men “who have died not knowing the will of God concerning them, or who have ignorantly sinned.” (Mosiah 3:11.)

Thus, a person who has never heard of the Word of Wisdom, for example, and who becomes an alcoholic will be judged differently from one who knows the Word of Wisdom, and understands it, and then chooses the course that leads to alcoholism.

President Kimball’s The Miracle of Forgiveness gives us insight into the accountability of some who commit suicide. “A minister acquaintance of mine, whom I knew rather well, was found by his wife hanging in the attic from the rafters,” President Kimball wrote. “His thoughts had taken his life. He had become morose and despondent for two or more years. Certainly he had not come to suicide in a moment, for he had been a happy, pleasant person as I had known him. It must have been a long decline, ever steeper, controllable by him at first and perhaps out of hand as he neared the end of the trail. No one in his ‘right mind,’ and especially if he has an understanding of the gospel, will permit himself to arrive at this ‘point of no return.’ ” (The Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. 106; italics added.)

Thankfully, the Prophet Joseph Smith taught this enlightening doctrine:

“While one portion of the human race is judging and condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe looks upon the whole of the human family with a fatherly care and paternal regard. … He is a wise Lawgiver, and will judge all men, not according to the narrow, contracted notions of men, but, ‘according to the deeds done in the body whether they be good or evil,’ or whether these deeds were done in England, America, Spain, Turkey, or India. … We need not doubt the wisdom and intelligence of the Great Jehovah; He will award judgment or mercy to all nations according to their several deserts, their means of obtaining intelligence, the laws by which they are governed, the facilities afforded them of obtaining correct information, and His inscrutable designs in relation to the human family; and when the designs of God shall be made manifest, and the curtain of futurity be withdrawn, we shall all of us eventually have to confess that the Judge of all the earth has done right.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, ed. Joseph Fielding Smith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1938, p. 218.)

I draw an important conclusion from the words of the Prophet: Suicide is a sin—a very grievous one, yet the Lord will not judge the person who commits that sin strictly by the act itself. The Lord will look at that person’s circumstances and the degree of his accountability at the time of the act. Of course, this gives us no reason to excuse ourselves in committing sins, nor will the Lord excuse us, if I understand correctly. We must constantly strive to do our best in emulating the Savior in every aspect of our lives. At the same time, however, let us remember that spiritual growth comes “line upon line,” that the key—in the spirit world as well as in mortality—is to keep progressing along the right path.

I recently heard some experiences of families of suicide victims that give hope to others who are suffering. I must point out that individual spiritual experiences of Church members do not determine Church doctrine. Still, these experiences are compatible with the ideas we have been discussing. The first experience deals with a young woman whose father took his life when she was five years old. The father was not a member of the Church, nor was the daughter until many years later.

“As I was growing up,” she relates, “I had the subtle feeling that there was something he very much wanted me to do for him. I had been taught in my church that he had murdered himself and was in hell. But it seemed to me that even though he had been wrong to kill himself, he had thought he was doing the family a favor. (He was an alcoholic who couldn’t shake the habit.) I began to search the Bible to see what might have happened to him. As time went by, I came to know that he had somehow suffered through his problems—and that now he needed me to do something for him. I kept thinking, ‘But what can you do for someone who is already dead?’ And the answer would come, ‘Someday, if you keep searching, you will know.’

“Eventually I was baptized into the Church and went to Ricks College. When I first heard of baptism for the dead, I was overwhelmed. Now I knew what my father wanted me to do! I did the necessary work and sent his name to the Idaho Falls Temple, where I had the privilege of seeing a brother baptized by proxy for my father. His endowment work was done the same month. I have a strong feeling that he has accepted both ordinances and is greatly blessed by it.”

This next experience was shared by a member of the Church whose father took his life after an extended period of illness. The references to recent discoveries by medical science are enlightening.

“I will never forget calling home that morning in 1977 and having a police lieutenant answer, informing me of my father’s suicide. My father was a sweet, kind man who never intentionally hurt anyone. He always thought his body was a temple. Yet something had become wrong with Dad’s body, and he had been a very sick man.

“Then, in 1980, I experienced a terrible physical change in myself that gave me some insight into my father’s state of mind during the weeks preceding his death. I was diagnosed as having hyperthyroidism. My body went through many of the traumas that Dad experienced. I spent a four-month period without sleep. Sleeping pills gave no relief. If I did fall asleep, I awoke soon after, soaked in perspiration. Many of the symptoms were emotional ones. I was frightened and suffered a deep depression. For a year and a half I received medication, and the disease was finally brought under control. I am thankful that I had a doctor who could help me.

“Living through my experience helped me to understand my father’s death better. I spent hours doing research and found that little data on hyperthyroidism could be found before 1979. Thyroid disease can be hereditary, and since my experience, we have discovered it in two of my cousins on my father’s side. I also found an article by a doctor who wondered how many people have been in mental institutions with chemical imbalances that could have been corrected.

“Maybe Dad had this same disease. With everything I’ve studied, I choose to think he did. It helps me deal with his death. For a man who took such good care of himself to fail so fast and become ill so quickly makes me believe he had an undiscovered disease.

“Dad believed in the Lord with all his heart and had a strong, solid testimony. His cause of death may have marred his entrance into the spirit world, but not the beautiful life he had led for fifty years.

“I know my Heavenly Father loves me and watches over me and gives me the peace I now enjoy.”

This next and last experience testifies of the peace that our Father in Heaven can give to those left behind:

“At the time of my mother’s suicide, she had lost her earthly companion, was in ill health, and did not accept help freely. She had told my aunt that she could cope with the loss of my father or the difficulties she was having with her health, but that she couldn’t handle both. That was two days before she died. I believe she considered suicide very soon after my father was killed in an automobile accident. I was concerned enough to discuss the possibility with her doctor, but no action was taken. The reason for this, I believe, is the lack of understanding we have as a society in dealing with these types of problems.

“I believe the Lord will consider each case separately and judge the circumstances of each individual. I have sincerely sought direction from our Father in Heaven to help me understand the nature of suicide. And I have come to know, as well as anything else that I know from God, that these people have a place in the kingdom of our Father, and it is not one of darkness or despair, but one where they can receive comfort and experience serenity.”

We cannot measure these particular spiritual experiences, of course. We do not know the extent to which the door is open for these particular people to grow and develop in righteousness until they possibly receive the blessings of exaltation. They committed a very serious sin, and some consequences of it may remain with them throughout eternity. Only our Father in Heaven knows the full answer to the questions our hearts ask regarding those who take their own lives.

But it is clear that hope exists. President Joseph F. Smith learned this important principle near the end of a long life of service to the Church. In vision he saw the work of salvation proceeding among the dead, and wrote:

“I beheld that the faithful elders of this dispensation, when they depart from mortal life, continue their labors in the preaching of the gospel of repentance and redemption, through the sacrifice of the Only Begotten Son of God, among those who are in darkness and under the bondage of sin in the great world of the spirits of the dead.

“The dead who repent will be redeemed, through obedience to the ordinances of the house of God,

“And after they have paid the penalty of their transgressions, and are washed clean, shall receive a reward according to their works, for they are heirs of salvation.” (D&C 138:57–59; italics added.)

I am grateful for the great plan of salvation our Father in Heaven has provided for us. It is a plan of great fairness and a plan of great love.

As I think about the worry and agony of those whose loved one has taken his or her own life, I find deep comfort and faith in the Lord’s promise and blessing to us who remain in mortality: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27.)

Blah...

2011-09-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

This stinks really bad... I don't know what else I can say. I have been trying really hard to be positive throughout all of this. I am only human though and can't help but have my weak moments. But the reality is my brother is gone and I am aching beyond belief inside. All I want is for him to be back. Alive and breathing on this earth. It hurts to look at pictures of him, to hear stories or tell stories of him. It hurts so bad to remember his smile and laughter and know that it is gone. That I can no longer call him up and invite him to dinner, to ask him to hang out, call about random weird things just because I wanted someone to talk to and he would listen. I hurt really bad and all I want is the pain to go away. I want him back with me, not buried in the ground. I want to be able to go and relax and have nothing on my mind. Have complete silence since all my mind seems to be doing lately is thinking. I've been thinking way too much and I need a break from it.
Yesterday I was pretty upset... Mad... Not at Tanner but simply the situation. We drove by where Tanner worked and it made me so sad that I would never be picking him up from work again. He used to call me when he had panic attacks to go pick him up, or when he locked his keys in the car to bring him the spares. To pick him up when he had a migraine... Or to take him back to pick up his car after going and picking him up. I feel like I want to get this frustration out somehow. To punch something or yell. Going out is hard. I get tired of being at home alone with the kids so I want to go out. But when I go out it seems even harder than when I am at home. Driving in the car, going to stores. Every time I drive west on the 60 it reminds me of going out to pick Tanner up from work. I now dread driving that way on the freeway.
The hard thing is I know that Tanner is no longer here. I saw his body and got the true confirmation. But for some reason my mind can't grasp onto it. Almost as though my mind refuses to accept the facts and I just think it can't be real. He couldn't have done it. If I call his phone he will answer or his car is in the driveway because he is home. I was looking on pinterest this morning and saw a thing for hanging stockings. My mom still has our stockings from when we were little that we still put out every year. It broke my heart today when I realized he wont be there for Christmas. Yesterday Paul was asking what our plans were going to be for Thanksgiving and I just don't know. I'm sure the holidays this year will be hard. For now I will take it hour by hour and day by day.

The good and the bad

2011-09-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

As with all circumstances that come our way in life there are always the good and the bad. We will have good days, maybe even great ones where our hearts are filled with happiness, sunshine, and gratitude. And then we have the bad, and everyone experiences them. You get an "A" on a test, or get a flat tire. You get a raise at work, or you get a speeding ticket. You get an unexpected card in the mail that brightens you day, or you are at the grocery store ready to checkout and realize you forgot your wallet, (or your card is declined). The sad thing is we forget about how good the good things in life are and mostly focus on the negative. In my circumstance in dealing with the loss of a family member I have seemed to forget about the good for now.
These past two weeks I have been feeling as though my days are a little more bad than good. And I know I have good reason to be feeling this way. On Wednesday I went to the mall. DownEast Basics was having a sale of 50% off all of their clearance items. I thought it would be good to get out of the house, get my mind off of things, and of course do some shopping. And I can't pass up a good deal. The kids and I went up to the food court first and got some food. I was doing good until I walked past the Aeropastale store. For those that didn't know what Tanner did for work, he processed Areopastale returns. He was always wearing things he got from the warehouse. Then I walked past a Tilly's or something. A place he would have shopped at. I was just trying to breathe. I can't explain how it feels inside my body. How when I try to breathe it feels as though a weight is pushing on my lungs allowing them to do nothing. And my heart, the actual pain that it feels. This pain is just killing me on the inside. I just kept thinking I just need to leave and go home. This is too hard to do. But I was supposed to be meeting someone down at downeast and I didn't want to leave unexpectedly with no explanation to her. Breathing only worked for a little bit and then I could feel the tears start to come. I got in an elevator and let some feeling out. I composed myself when I got out and headed into Downeast Basics. I did my looking around and was getting ready to go try my things on when a girl working there asked me if I was Brandon Heywoods sister. I responded yes and she said she knew Tanner and was at the funeral. I began to cry, feeling a bit silly and told the girl I never knew that the mall could be such an emotional place. I went into the dressing room to once again let my emotions out. I finished up my shopping and we went to the play area. As we were sitting there I was talking with the girl I was with and of course things about Tanner came up. I enjoy talking about him, and this experience. It does bring some comfort, but it also is painful. Once again I started to cry. Goodness how many times was I going to cry at the mall that day. The answer is 4. I finally decided that I had, had enough and it as time to leave. That day ended up being a much harder day than I anticipated on. On my way home I called my mom. Let it all out. Have someone to listen to me and someone who also understands the situation since she is going through it too. I don't know as though I would have considered that a bad day, but maybe more as a hard day.
But I want to share something with you that I realized the next day. I had woken up and was trying to figure out what to do with my day. I have been VERY unproductive and if you saw my house right now you would understand what I am talking about. I thought about doing a load of laundry and if I only got one load done than that was okay. But as I was sitting there thinking about the things that I wanted to do with my day, I just felt sad. I just wanted to mope around and really not do anything. Be sad, and cry, and mourn. Then the thought came into my head. Tanner has moved on. He is progressing, learning, and moving on. Doing more important things with his life. I know Tanner wouldn't want me to just sulk around and not live my life. That he wants me to be happy, productive, and learning. Gordon B. Hinkley said "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured". And that is so true.
For right now though I need to mourn, be sad, and sulk. But also look on the positive things in life and the bright future that will come. Gordon B. Hinkley also said "Lord, increase our faith." Increase our faith to bridge the chasms of uncertainty and doubt. . . . Grant us faith to look beyond the problems of the moment to the miracles of the future. . . . Give us faith to do what is right and let the consequence follow."
As I was talking to my cousin that morning she was telling me I should set goals for myself. To continue doing my craft blog, do my nail tutorials, etc. It's something that I want to continue to do. There are so many things I want to do. I'm quoting Gordon B. Hinkley a lot in this post but I came across some things of his that really spoke out to me. He said "The best thing you can do is just keep busy, keep working hard, so you’re not dwelling on it all the time. Work is the best antidote for sorrow." I know it will take me some time to get back to normal. To feel as though I can go back to how things were before Tanner passed. But I need to keep busy and try to progress. Not just in physical things but spiritual and mental things as well.
One last thing that Gordon B. Hinkley said was "It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." For now that is what I am going to do. I will trust in the Lord and rely on him to get me through this. Increase my faith in Him and in His plan and know that I am never alone. That I have Him to lean on, share my thoughts and concerns with and know he is listening, that He out of everyone knows exactly what I am going through. And that brings me comfort.
So even though we all have the good and the bad days, the happy and the sad, I will work on moving forward. Applying the things I have learned throughout this trial to my everyday life. To learn and grow from it and hopefully become a better person. I feel as though I have learned so much from this experience in such a short amount of time. Lessons I feel as though should be learned throughout a lifetime and not all at once. But I am thankful. Thankful to learn and grow, and grow closer to Thee.

Foolish

2011-09-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling a bit foolish today. I don't know what my deal is, maybe feeling the need to be mad at other people instead of Tanner. Upset at people who are only trying to be there for me, be supportive, wanting to make me feel as though they can relate. But the thing that has really been bothering me most is when people would tell me they know what I am going through. I just couldn't help but think to myself how in the world could they possibly know what I am going through. How can they know what it's like to have everything around you remind you of the person you lost, or to lose a brother, or to lose a brother to suicide. And even if they lost a sibling to suicide how can they relate to how close I was to Tanner, or how all I ever wanted to do was protect him.
Last night I was talking to Paul about how upset I was about this. That I was even feeling this way. The good thing about having a wise husband is that they can give you a good slap in the face to let you see things in a new perspective. A new light. And I tell you, after I had this talk with him I felt so sad, and foolish that I ever got upset at anyone that tried to tell me they could relate. The thing is when you lose someone, no matter how it happened, whether it be from cancer, car accident, suicide, handicap, body failure, etc the results are always the same. They are gone. And it hurts everyone that has to experience it. I have been having a little pity party for myself feeling like my circumstances are so much worse because my brother chose to take his own life. But there are so many people out there that have lost loved ones that didn't have a choice of whether they wanted to leave this earth or not. And like I said, no matter how they leave this earth it is hard. Really, really hard. We all wish they didn't have to suffer, or be taken early.
The other thing I have learned is never to compare your circumstances with other people. What may be a real trial to someone may be so miniscule to someone else. But that is not our place to judge. We need to be loving to those all around us.
I really do feel so silly that I really thought no one could relate to my situation. Know the pain I am feeling. Pain is pain, and I know others out there can relate. I wish so much they couldn't. Knowing that those that can relate had to go through this pain too breaks my heart. Its something I wish upon no one. So my pity party is now over. I am going to accept the love and support from those around me that want to help with an open heart. And I hope someday to return the favor to someone else that may be going through difficult times.

Life after death

2011-09-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

The funeral is over. I wish I could say that things are magically better and that I feel as though life can move on just like before. But the truth is I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone else lives are moving on and mine just seems to be stuck in a rut for right now. That not everyone around me is feeling the sadness, the aching heart, and the missing of someone so dear to them. I know with time things will get easier, the pain will begin to fade, but as of now I still just don't feel like doing anything. I am useless around the house, and my poor kids probably aren't getting the attention they deserve. I am emotionally drained, and physically drained as well.
The funeral services were so great on Saturday. We had a open casket and Tanner looked great. It's always hard seeing a loved one like that. So still, and lifeless. But he looked so peaceful, and like him. I just stood over him, soaking in seeing him for the last time before he would be put in his final resting place. When in came time to say our last goodbyes that was hard. I did not want to say goodbye. I did not want them to close that casket. That was a hard moment. One I never want to have to go through again. The spirit in the chapel was great. The music brought such a peace and comfort and the words that were spoken were just right. When I got up to speak I was amazed at how many people were there. That meant so much to me. To know that Tanner had impacted so many people's lives and that they came to celebrate his life with us and show their love and support.
Brandon and I had gone out to Deseret Book the other day to buy some of those cheapie CTR rings that they always give out in primary. Well let me tell you they are not so cheap when you buy in bulk! We got 75 of them and my uncle was so very generous to provide the funds for them. Tanner had a lot of non lds friends and we wanted to share the message with them, to choose the right way to live and be happy. Because that truly was what Tanner was striving for the last little while here on this earth. The nice thing about the motto Choose the right is you can interpret it however you want. Whatever your beliefs and religion is there really is a right way to live. To obey the laws of the land is one example. Brandon also bought a ctr ring for him and Tanner. My dad got the same one the next day. Before the viewing Brandon placed the ring on his right ring finger. All three boys now have matching rings on the same finger. I can't tell you how nice it was to see everyone walking around with their ctr rings on. I hope it is something they cherish and strive for in memory of Tanner.
As we left the chapel we had the song He aint heavy he's my brother played on the piano. My mom, dad, Brandon, myself, and 3 friends were the pall bearers. So this song was perfect, and has so much meaning. It has been a family favorite for quite some time now.We proceeded to the cemetery to have a dedication of the grave. Tanner is buried right next to my grandma and sister. It is so nice that they can be laying side by side. It was hard to say goodbye. I did not want to leave. My mom went out to the cemetery on Sunday to take some flowers. I saw pictures of the fresh dirt packed down where his spot is and it broke my heart. It broke my heart to know that his body is now laying in the ground and not running around up here on earth. I hoped I would have gone before him. Isn't that how its supposed to go. The older siblings go first, not the youngest.
Things will be hard for a while. I know that. And it will come in waves. Some days will be good and some will be bad. But I hope to stay positive. Learn and grow from this trial and become a better person because of it. And that's all I want to do, so I can ensure myself a spot in heaven to be with them once again.

Happy Birthday to THE BEST little brother EVER

2011-09-16T08:48:00.001-07:00

Tanner's birthday was on Tuesday the 13th. He turned 20 years old. I can't believe my little brother was going to finally be out of his teenage years. That Morning I was sitting with Morgan. I asked her if she knew it was Tanner's birthday today. She responded "Mommy Tanner alive now?" I told her "No sweetie he is in heaven now", and she said "Mom we send his card to heaven?". She gave me the most wonderful idea. We were going to put her card with a helium filled balloon and send it right up into heaven because that is where Tanner is. I ran the idea past my family and they all agreed it was a good idea. After Morgan was done coloring her card I asked her what she wanted written on it. Her words were Happy Birthday, Hope you are happy, Hope you don't die. I then asked her " Morgan can you see Tanner?" She said "Yes". I then asked "Moragn what is he wearing when you see him?" She responded "clothes". I asked her "What color clothes?", and she said "White church clothes". I asked her a little later on "Morgan when you see Tanner where is he?" She said "He's at Tanner's house." I asked what is he doing when you see him?" She said "Sitting....Mom are there chairs in heaven?" I told her I have no clue but probably. She asked "Mom can we go to heaven" I asked why do you want to go to heaven. She said "To see Tanner". I then asked what would you do if you saw him and she responded "Give him hugs and kisses". My little girl is so sweet and pure. There is no doubt in my mind that my kids have a special spiritual connection with Tanner. The veil is so thin for these kids that i'm sure they can see him. They know he is okay and happy. And that brings me comfort.
Later that morning I met up with my mom and aunts down at the mortuary. I honestly thought I would not be celebrating Tanners birthday this way. Filling out a death certificate, and picking a casket. I do have to say this was probably his most expensive birthday present ever. It was not a fun thing to do. Saturday my cousins wife was over helping us come up with the design for the program at the funeral. She asked us how we liked the idea and I just had to respond I hate it. Not that I hated the design, she came up with a way that I think will be beautiful, but I hate the situation. I hate that we even have to be coming up with a funeral program. Who will be speaking. musical numbers, prayers, pall bearers, etc. And I felt this same way at the mortuary. Asking ourselves which casket we felt suited him best. Which color looked most like him and if he would look good in it. I know its a necessary thing to do and I am glad I was able to be a part of it, have a say, but it just hurt. It hurts that I know my brother is gone. That one week ago today was the last day he was here. Alive and breathing. I am not going to lie that I am so jealous that my family, his friends and co-workers got to spend more time with him in his last days than I did. I wish so much we could have one just one last conversation. But I can't think that way. I need to be happy that I did get to talk with him on Wednesday. That I talked to him about the cheesecake I was going to make for him and how he was going to come to church with us on Sunday. How we were going to eat costa vida for dinner. But he said he was so tired and falling asleep. He slept so much the last while he was here.
Tuesday afternoon Brandon went and got some balloons filled. We were going to go release them on his birthday but I really wanted someone to come and take pictures and video so we could remember this special occasion always. I also wanted to see the sky blue full of white fluffy clouds. The weather has been a little gloomy around here this past week. So we decided to wait until the next morning. I was able to get one of my friends to come and do the pictures and video. The morning came and the sky was perfect. Brandon went and filled the balloons. At 10:45 we headed out to qail run baseball park where Tanner used to play. So many good memories there. We went and stood on a field where he once pitched. Brandon said and prayer and then we released the balloons. And they soared up to heaven. There was not one cloud in the way of the balloons and we stood and watched until we couldn't see them anymore. We each wrote a special message to him or attached a card to the balloons.Poor Morgan was crying the whole time and refused to send her card up. She will keep onto it in a special place. We sent off exactly 20 of them for him. It was great there to be as a family, and close friends and feel the love that everyone has for Tanner. He is the most amazing kid and we wish he had a very happy birthday, up in heaven celebrating with our grandma and sister.
So happy birthday to the best little brother ever! We love you so much and hope you day was grand!
If you would like to view the video from the balloon release click here
To view more pictures click here
Funeral services will be Saturday September 17th, 2011 at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on 40th st and Brown. The Address is 3920 E. Brown road Mesa AZ 85205. Viewing will be from 9:30-11:00 and funeral services will start at 11:00 am.

Greatful with an aching but full heart

2011-09-13T09:59:00.001-07:00

There is something that has been on my mind and I need to share. Please, Please, only remember Tanner for who he was on this earth and not how he left. I feel like so many times we tend to identify people by that. And that is now his identity. That people forget oh that kid that was so amazing and baseball, had so much potential, and instead its oh that kid that took his life. I am a VERY protective sister. Anyone talks smack about my brothers and it brings a fire out in me. I remember as a kid we would always go to the ocean. Now I could go as far out into the waves as I wanted but I would always tell my brothers, No you aren't allowed to go past this point in the ocean. I'm sure they both thought I was super annoying, and maybe still do. But the truth is that I love my brothers so much and they mean everything to me. One time when Tanner and I were young we were arguing. My dad made us stand outside and look at the stars. He said you see all the stars in the sky? If all of those stars represent spirits you two chose each other to be siblings. It was interesting to look at all of the stars that just seem endless and know out of ALL those billions of stars we chose each other to be family. Because we knew we would be good for each other. Help each other learn, and grow. Be there for support if needed. Friends come and go but family is forever. I know that when we were in the spirit world I knew that my life wasn't going to be easy, that I would lose sibling far before it was their time to go. I accepted to edure through these trials and all I can say is I am so thankful that Heavenly Father so much for enrtusting me with these trials and to be his sister so that I could be blessed all the more. Life has been hard. Losing two siblings has probably been the biggest trial thus far. But if I had to go through it all again just so that I could have that time with them, learn the things I did and was able to grow from knowing them I would. In a heartbeat. This is painful, very painful but there has been so much good. I have been blessed with amazing and fun memories of my brother and sister. Ones I will cherish for the rest of my days. I know there will be a void in my life. But I also know that he isn't completely gone. He may not be here in body, but his spirit is all around us. I can feel it. And I can feel the comfort of the other spirits around me as well. The gospel truly is an amazing thing. And the Atonement. I am also so grateful for a loving, understanding, and forgiving Father in Heaven. Anywho, This really all started out by me just wanted to ask people to remember him for who he was. The kid with the great heart, BIG smile, Curly blond hair, and a magnetizing personality. That just really means the world to me.

A very unhappy birthday

2011-09-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

Today is my dad's birthday. His on the 12th and Tanner's on the 13th. They have shared birthdays together for the past 19 years. Today, instead of my dad being able to celebrate with family, he will be cleaning up the spot where Tanner passed. He insists on doing it alone. Feels as though its the least he can do for him. Maybe it will be somewhat therapeutic to him. Make him feel closer. I think no parent should EVER have to do that. My mom mentioned last night that my dad wasn't there to see my sister die, and my mom wasn't there to see my brother. They both have horrible memories forever embedded into their minds. I however think my dad's memory is far worse. I hope he can always remember the good instead of focusing on the last image. He is such a good dad, always thinking of others. He won't share hardly any details just so we don't have to know and feel the same pain he does. Last night while talking with my mom, aunt and uncle he began to cry. He said his blood pressure was through the roof that morning from being emotional and didn't want another stroke. How hard would that be to want to grieve, cry your heart out, yell, puke , punch something, who knows and be afraid to fearing of having another stroke and leaving your family behind. To feel like you now how to bottle it up inside which can make you feel absolutely horrible. I know. The day my sister died I was up in Utah. We went to lagoon that day with my cousins. I went home that night, early, thinking it was because my aunts were coming down to visit and my mom wanted me home for that. My aunts flew into Utah where I met them and then the 3 of us flew to Arizona. When I found out that Morgan had passed of course I began to cry. But then I started to become embarrassed crying in front of my aunts, my family, other people. I learned to shut off emotion and have been pretty good at it for the past 12 years. But I know how it is to want to cry, and just not be able to. It's a horrible feeling. I tell you I could not hold back the tears this time and I have just let them out. Let them flow endlessly if that's what they want to do.
I just feel so absolutely horrible for my dad right now. You look at him and you can see the sadness on his face. He looks miserable. I can only imagine what he is going through right now. I do know that he is a very strong person who rely's a lot on the Lord and that he will help him through this. I also feel So incredibly bad for my mom and Brandon. However they seem so much more composed. I know everyone deals with pain in different ways. focusing their emotion in different directions. My mom possibly focusing it on getting the house done and completed before family arrives. I know I am not the only one that feels my heart stop and feel squeezed every time I have a thought of him. Today I feel a little numb. The tears don't seem to want to come which I am fine with but the pain inside is still there. I know this week and next little while will have its ups and downs. Some moments I will feel okay and others will be really hard. Thats the great thing about the Holy Ghost and the angels around us that they can help provide us comfort when we need it most. So we don't have to be in despair all the time. I can feel the spirit with me. It got me through Morgan's death and I'm sure it will get me through this.
The thing about me is when times get rough I want to distance myself from my family. I figure if i'm not so emotionally attached to them that when bad things happen it won't hurt so bad. I know that's not what I should do. I love my family so much and I know they need me just as much as I need them. I can't help but wish I had spent more time with him. It's hard when you don't live at home and when you have a family you need to take care of. There were several times he asked me to go bowling with him the last 2 months he was here and I rejected because I had the kids and no one to watch them. Oh how much I wish I would have just accepted and found someone to watch the kids, or just bring them with us.
Almost everything in my house reminds me of Tanner. He lived with us here in our house for a few months. I was in the bathroom standing on the scale and remembered when I would be in the bathroom getting ready and he would walk into my room and stand at the bathroom door and talk with me. I'm going to miss that. Sitting at our kitchen table to eat meals. I was cooking eggs for the kids this morning and remembering all the meals I cooked for him there. I'm thinking that it's not so much that I feel numb as much as I just feel empty inside. It's amazing how one person can make such an impact on your life.
Yesterday and today my little boy has been so cuddly with me. He generally never sits still with me and right now he is sitting with me as I type and has given me lots of long hugs today and yesterday. I love it and want to soak it all in. I need to love my family a little more, squeeze them a little tighter. Only speak kind words and be uplifting. I know its hard to never over react to things, get upset over potty accidents on the floor, dumped out milk on the carpet, and food all of the floor. I have learned one thing from getting older and that is life is to short. You never know when someone close to you may go. It breaks my heart with how many people I know have died young. Death is sad at any age but it kills me when I hear of young kids or young adults passing, Fathers with young kids. I just know I need to enjoy everyone around me to the fullest. Only think positive thoughts, and let them know I love them. Give them hugs. That way if they are taken from us I will have no regrets never wishing I should of or could of.
Tomorrow is Tanner's 20th birthday. He would have been officially out of his teen years. Please take a moment to celebrate his birthday and the life that he had. Honor him and love him. And please wish my dad a happy birthday. Give him a little bit of happiness on this really hard day. Let him know he is too loved and being thought of. We may be mourning the loss of Tanner but I still want to celebrate my dads life with him. So happy birthday dad, I sure do love you so much!

Complete Heartache

2011-09-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

At 9:45 Friday september 9th 2011 eleven I got a phone call from my mom saying she was at my house and to come open the door. Honestly I had no suspicions as to why she was over. I got up off the computer and opened up the door. I saw my dad turn the corner, then my older brother Brandon, and then my mom. It wasn't until then I was a little confused and then when either my dad or brother walked in the door and gave me a hug is when I knew... Tanner was gone... I just stood in the entry way of my door in shock not knowing what to do and then grief, and completely aching heart and the biggest pit in my stomach came over me. My life literally just came crashing down and I just lost it. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my life. Its amazing how emotional pain can cause you so much physical pain as well. My heart literally aches. I can feel the emptiness inside and my stomach tied into knots. I haven't been able to eat since I found out. There are no words to describe the type of pain it is to loose a sibling. In my case I have now lost my 2 younger siblings. We came into the house and took a seat on the couch. I then began asking questions of what happened. I already knew that he had taken his own life and I know why. He was suffering. Depression and extreme anxiety. A few months ago he had a revelation "choose the right way to live and be happy", and thats what he chose to do. He stopped doing the things that he knew was wrong, gave up so many friends and began coming back to church with Paul and I. He was doing so good, but temptations from his old life came back and it was hard. One of the last conversations I had with him was 2 weeks ago today. He came to church with us and after came over to our house for me to cut his hair. I asked him how he was doing and said I am trying so hard to do whats right and I just am not happy still...
I asked my dad what happened? If there was a note? Who found him? What time? Where? etc... My dad said he spent the afternoon with him. Tanner came in laid on his bed, let my dad tickle his back. My dad said that on the security camera he could see him out front sitting on the bench, folding his arms, bowing his head, looking like he was praying. Around 5-5:30 my dad found the note. I have yet to read it since the police took it. My family said it was short but explained that he just could not live life anymore. And that it named each of us by name and said how much he loved us. He also wrote about how baseball was one of the only things in life that brought him true happiness and thats why it was with him. My dad found his body with a baseball mitt next to him and a bucket of his baseballs that he would practice pitching with. My dad said he sat with him for a minute talking to him, asking why? and probably some other stuff. He headed back to the house, turned around and tried giving him chest compressions but he was already gone... He died instantly. He shut his eyes for him and called 911. I feel SO incredibly bad and sad for my dad that he had to whitness that. I can't even imagine finding my own child after taking their life. Police came and were there for 4 hours. When my sister died I happened to be up in utah, I was the last of my family to find out then, and the last one to find out this time too. I'm not going to lie that I was extremely mad that I started out with 3 siblings and now only have 1. I just don't understand it. I just wanted to throw up, punch something, cry. I cried my heart out. Because it just ached so much, and still does. Today we were supposed to celebrate his 20th birthday. His birthday is on Tuesday the 13th. The very last conversation I had with him was on Wednesday. I called to ask what he wanted for his birthday dinner and that I was going to make him a cheesecake. He LOVED cheesecake and I was so excited to make him a "real" one that wasn't a no bake kind. He seemed so excited about it on the phone which made me all the more excited to make it for him. While I was sitting on the couch with my family I just kept saying I was supposed to make him a cheesecake, and go buy the supplies for it tomorrow. I kept saying I just want to go give him a big hug and tell him I love him. That is really all I have wanted since is just to be able to give him a hug. It hurts so incredibly bad knowing I can't. And won't be able to until we are together again in the afterlife. I was sad and angry that I would never get to see him get married, finish school, have babies. Or that he wouldn't be able to see my kids grow up, who adored their Uncle Tanner or see me have more kids.
My dad said that when the police were over at the house that the stake president came over. When they took my brothers body out they were back in a room getting blessings. In one of the blessings he said that he has been with Heavenly Father and was greeted by my sister who is a glorious being and it was a joyous reunion. That brought so much comfort to me as well. Yesterday the stake president was over and promised my dad that in a quiet and still time that my brother was come to him and let him know that he was okay. I am so looking forward to hearing about that. I wish I could have that too.
I can't even to begin to imagine the pain that a mother and father feel when they lose a child . As a sibling you are losing your own flesh and blood, but to lose one you created, raised, taught, and loved. Cried with Laughed with or just sat with. Did everything for and your life revolved around them. I don't want to even begin to imagine. My parents have got to be some of the strongest people I have ever met. Friday night my brother was telling me something he saw on facebook one time that said" God only gives you trials he knows you can handle. I wish God didn't trust me so much". I'm sure so many of us think that. I know some peoples trials are harder than others. I wish my parents could finally be given a break. Maybe they are given these trails to help others learn. Who knows. I know that they are strong and the people they are today because of the trials they have been given, but I know they have felt a lot of pain and heartache along the way, and pleaded with the Lord for comfort or to understand way more than they should. Its been a tough year. My dad had a stroke exactly 3 months ago on the day tanner passed. We could have lost him. It was serious. All I can say is I thank our Heavenly Father that I didn't have 2 of my family members leave this earth in 3 months. That would have been a nightmare and more than I could handle. I would always tell my dad and tanner please don't ever die because I think I would have a breakdown. I would not be able to handle it. I know I will be comforted and will be able to handle it, but doesn't mean that it isn't still going ard to do.
I know that Tanner wasn't happy and that this truly was the only thing he could do to find happiness. It was the light at the end of his tunnel. But all I can think is I just wanted him to be happy. Why couldn't it be here, on earth. It was a rough night. I had my awesome friend come over who has just gone through this 2 years ago november. I just wanted someone over that knew the same pain I was feeling. And that had been through it, Not just going through it like me and my family but had been through it. Been through the hard, hard parts but who has also been able to find the happiness again and the heartache been lifted some. It was a good distraction. But once they left reality sank back in. Everything reminds me of him. The saw dust completely covering our garage floor from one of the last times he was over building a sub box for his car, the pair of jeans still sitting on top of my dryer that are his, Sitting on the couch because thats where he used to sleep when he lived with us, right now sitting at this computer because last time I saw him he was on here playing some game, hamburgers since that was the last meal we ate together, His baseball uniform shirt I am wearing right now that I stole from him years ago because I Loved it. Movies, music, The chair sitting on my back porch from when I cut his hair last. Driving down the street and remembering being in the car with him, getting in my car since he would ride with me in there. Drinking jamba juice, making sugar cookies, everything!
I could barely sleep Friday night. I could not stop the crying. I would think about him in my sleep and wake up crying, got up and thought of him and the crying started. I walked into the garage and saw the saw dust and lost it. When we pulled up to my parents house and saw his car parked in the driveway I lost it and just had to sit down. Sit down on the bench where he probably sat last when my dad saw him on the security cameras looking like what was praying. I walked into the house and saw his dresser and all of his shoes in the living room. He loved shoes! My mom has started clearing out his room the other day so that they could do some remodeling in there. I now don't want them touching it at all... I decided I needed a distraction and went shopping with my friend to get a dress for the funeral. I started crying in the store because when we got new clothes we used to always show each other and say look at my new stuff. I now can't show him my new dress. I started crying at the storage unit when they asked for my id and behind it was a ticket to the zoo I had that I was going to use to take him. He had never been before and really wanted to go. I couldn't help but cry several times while getting a pedicure and everyone there probably thought I was crazy. Its a little embarrassing to cry in public and not just tears rolling down your face cry but a real heartfelt cry with the noises and all. But you know what, I LOVE my brother and I don't care what people think. I will cry my heart out anywhere if I need to.
I went in his room last night and just layed in his bed. I can't tell you the overwhelming peace that I could feel in there. I swear to you I could feel him in there with me. Later that evening 2 of his best friends came over. They have been friends since they were 1 and the other friend since they were about 5 or 6 I would say. It was the strangest thing, When they walked in I just wanted to tell them go on back to his room he is back there. And then I had to re-realize that he is not back there and never will be. It was good to talk to them and hear their stories, give them hugs of comfort and just talk. Neither of them are members of the church and it was good to hear my dad bear testimony to them. Let them know that he was with Heavenly Father in a better place, that he was greeted by Morgan and happy. That he now realizes that what he has done is wrong. They asked if they could go back in his room. I went back there a little after they did and asked if they could feel a difference in the room and they said yes. That they instantly felt comforted when they walked in and they too felt like he was there. One took a picture of the big sign tanner had on his wall that said choose the right way to live and be happy and said that it was awesome. That they had been having conversations about how he was trying to change and be a better person. Do truly do what was right and I know that he was on that path. They asked if they could take something small of his to always remeber him by and we let them each take a bottle of his cologne. He had lots. I will for sure miss his scent, smile, talking with him, EVERYTHING. He is my little brother who I love so much and will never stop loving him. He was and is an amazing person and I know he is going to do so much on the other side, and will be watching from up in heaven cheering us on. He will be there when my children's spirits are put on this earth. My older brother will be working on getting ready to go through the temple to be able to do Tanners work for him. That will be such an amazing experience for him and the rest of our family. I have so much going through my head right now and just wanted to write some of it down before I forget what I was feeling through all of this chaos.I know its really jumbled and just all over the place. Sorry... I truly hate this. People always say to pray to Heavenly Father and just talk to him. Well I did that. I told him I know he has a plan for each of us but I am not happy about this one. I know it was Tanners choice to leave this world and I'm not angry at him AT ALL. He did not do this out of selfishness but merely because he couldn't see living life anymore with the way he was feeling. And he has been dealing with this for quite a while now. He has seeked help multiple times. It truly was just too much for him. My mom mentioned we may feel so sad right now but this is how he felt everyday. Its a relief to know that those pains are now lifted from him and that he doesn't have to feel it anymore. I heard her tell my aunt that a few days ago he said the only way up is to go up. My dad said he didn't understand til now.
I kept telling my family that night I truly feel as though Heavenly Father was preparing me for this. For the past little while I just had strange feelings. Worried about Tanner and every time my mom would call I would listed to her tone. I was always worried that she was calling me to tell me something happened to Tanner or that he passed. Tanner had never expressed to me that he didn't feel like he could take it on this earth any longer. I knew he wasn't happy and was struggling but honestly never thought it would come to this. I expressed to my mom on thursday how I was paranoid whenever she would call and asked if she thought he would ever commit suicide and she said no. She said she was worried about him but never thought he would and if he did that it most likely would have been from accidental drug overdose or something. Never the way he did it. I wish with all of my heart and soul, my entire being that this did not have to happen. That he could have had happiness and allowed his friends and family to help him find it. We would have been willing to do ANYTHING.
Last night I was able to sleep pretty good. I woke up and just layed in bed with my eyes closed thinking of all the amazing memories I have with him. I didn't want to open my eyes. I could feel him there with me and almost as though he was talking to me. Last night I was talking with Paul on our way home and he was saying you know you can always just talk to him. I think I would feel a little silly talking out loud to someone that is not there, well I guess he would be in spirit form. I just expressed to Paul how all I wanted was to give him a hug one last time and tell him I loved him. Last night when I was in Tanners room I felt that. I could feel his arms around me giving me a big hug and wasn't letting go real fast. It was great. He needs to come and give me more of those!
Going through this is hard. VERY,VERY hard. Losing my sister was VERY hard as well but completely different experience. Death is never an easy thing to deal with, and however they leave this world the results are always the same. They are gone. And I HATE IT with a passion. I want my little sister here, and I want my little brother here. My family means the world to me. I am so so so very greatful to been able to have both of them be a part of my life. I am forever blessed for that. They have both taught me so much and have made me who I am today. I miss them both greatly. I know things will be easier with time. I know that because I have already been through it. But right now, Where I am I just have to take it minute by minute. Day by day. And I have to tell myself its okay to cry and I don't need to be embarrassed. I told my mom I guess thats what I get for never allowing myself to cry is an unlimited supply of tears that don't seem to ever dry up. But its good. Its good to grieve and we all have the right to do it in our own way and time. It's hard when people ask you how are you doing or what can I do for you. My instinct is just to reply I'm good, or fine but really I am such a mess and so torn up inside and the only thing I want is for my brother back, to be happy, to be whole where I can give him a hug, talk to him, hang out with him like before. Unfortunately no one can do that for me. No one can bring him back. No matter how much I wish it, or pray for it I have to accept the facts. And it is a really hard thing to do. It is so real but at the same time its not. I keep expecting him to be in his room each time I walk by, to walk through the front door, to see him in the kitchen drinking milk out of the carton waterfall style like he always did. He put a load of laundry in the morning he died and it was hard to see his shirts hanging in the laundry room and his clothes in the dryer. I want to see him doing his laundry. Telling me about how awesome his new sheets and blanket are and how I should be jealous of how soft they were. I hate that things get turned into past tense. He LOVED baseball, he LOVED his family. I like to believe he still loves all the same things and I don't want to turn things into past tense quite yet.
All I can say is that I am so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that we have of eternal families. It is such a comfort and blessing to know. To know that I will be with him and my sister again someday. Right now I wish it was sooner than later, but I also realize that I have my own family here that I need to enjoy, be there for, Love and support. And I have my parents and brother that I still have to love, hug and be with. I really do have so much here on earth to enjoy! And as bad as I just want my brother back now, I know I will be with him again as long as I am righteous and do what I am supposed to. To always choose the right way to live and be happy. Because that is what Tanner would want each and every one of us to do. And the afterlife I will be with him so much longer than our life here on earth. It is just a moment in time compared to the eternities.
For anyone that knows him, knows that Tanner was an amazing kid. He was such a smart kid, so talented in sports, and anything he put his mind to. He had so much potential. He was about to finish up school and start college. He wanted to go into the medical field, possibly sports medicine. He had such an amazing smile and I know that has carried with him. He had such a loving heart. He has always had a hard time showing emotion and talking about things that really mattered but I know with all my heart and soul that he had the best heart and spirit. Always meant well, and he was SO SO loved by everyone. Probably more than he ever realized. Thats the hard thing with death is all of us left behind regret not telling them we loved them more, not trying to call more often to see how they are doing, calling to see if they wanna hang out. You wonder if you could have done anything different to change the outcome of their decisions. What if I would have invited him over Thursday night and he had a blast, gave him some hope to live. Or text him Friday morning. Praised them in everything they did good to give them higher self esteem. Make them see how wonderful of a person they are. I know he knew I loved him and cared so deeply for him. I know he knew I always just wanted what was best for him, and for him to be happy. Because I told him so, when I was cutting his hair. That I wanted him to be happy and that he has family that loves him and is their for him. I know it can be hard to turn for people for help, and when you are in a deep depression sometimes the desire is just gone. You become numb. I hope everyone will always say positive things to people, never make them feel down or unloved, and especially NEVER judge a person. You never know what they are going through or dealing with and feeling judged by people around you can be a very very destructive thing. I know for him going back to church was so hard. He felt like because people knew he had a past that everyone would judge. Please don't ever do that and only make people feel accepted, and loved, and welcomed. Seek out the positive in people and always give them the benefit of the doubt. Most people have really great hearts and spirits but have just got caught up in worldly things and lost sight of whats important. You never know when someone is so fragile and weak, That is what I have learned. people often times are very good at masking their real feelings. Good at hiding when they are at their lowest low. Tanner always had a smile on his face. I knew he was at a low but never knew exactly how low he was until Friday. I just pray we can all strive to always think positive thoughts about people and only look for the good.
I'm sitting here at the computer stroking the keys. It reminds me of my brothers manly hands stroking this same keys just 2 weeks ago. It almost just makes me want to press on them all day, or lay in his bed all day. Never take off his baseball shirt, just so I can feel closer to him. It's weird looking at people around me, or people updating their status on facebook and seeing their lives going on. Talking about how the diamond backs won the game(which Tanner would have loved) going to California, Announcing pregnancies,and going on dates. While I am here posting pictures about my brother that passed away, but yet I can't even look at them too long without feeling the sadness overwhelm me and I have to look away, turn off the screen, whatever. I feel like the world is moving all around me and I am just standing still, not able to move. I want people around, but yet I want to be alone at the same time. I want to feel comfort from others. People that I can talk to and just let it all out. Hear words of encouragement and love. I need to remember at this time to rely on the Lord for comfort and that he is always here for me and a listening ear. And they my savior is carrying the weight of this trial on his shoulders too. I am not alone... I need to remember that this too shall pass, and to endure to the end.
I hope you bear with me as I'm sure I will continue to write about this experience. It can be quite therapeutic. Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers. We all greatly appreciate them to help us through this hard time. I am so so so thankful for everyone that has been so supportive thus far. So many of my dads family was over yesterday helping get the house ready, a friend drove an hour over just to get a pedicure with me and give a listening ear, another friend took off work just so she could be with me. My cousins wife was so sweet and slipped me 25 dollar store credit she had to downeast basics so I could get a new dress for the funeral.I don't think she really knows exactly how much that meant to me. Ward members, friends and family stopped by to bring food, extend a hug, and just sit and listen. Maybe even share a few tears together. All of my moms family is flying in and my dad sister and my cousin are flying in. I think we just might have all of the uncles and aunts there showing their love and support for my family, but Tanner as well. I know he will be there to join us in our massive family reunion!

Morgans Party

2011-07-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

Seriously I don't know why blogger keeps putting my pictures up out of order but its bugging me just a little. Anywho, this year for Morgan's birthday we did an ice cream party. I think it turned out really cute and I think everyone enjoyed making their own sundaes. I will admit I feel like this turned out to be more of an adult party since the only kids there was a 10 month old and an almost 2 year old but I think Morgan still had a good time. At the very end my nieces showed up and Morgan absolutely loves them so thats when the fun really began. We as adults had a good time just visiting and eating ice cream! No one Showed up til almost an hour after the party started so Morgan and Asher entertained themselves by dancing and being silly until their guests arrived.

I found this shirt that was perfect for the theme of her party. It says I scream for ice cream and had a cute ice cream cone on it. I thought she looked adorable.

All of the toppings. There were about 15 toppings and then hot fudge, carmel, and other various liquid toppings. And of course whipcream and cherries!
I saw these cupcakes on a blog and thought they were the most adorable things ever and fit perfect for morgans party. They had a whole ice cream party line at michaels and was able to find these cute cups there and they tray. Along with wrappers to go on the bottoms of the waffle cones and napkins. It was a one stop shop!

Hard to see in the picture but it says Morgan's Ice Cream Shoppe with a sundae next to it
A delicious looking sundae that was created.
We had a good time and Morgan got lots of good gifts. She even got a bike from her grandparents! She sure was one spoiled little girl. Thank you everyone that came and help make Morgans birthday a special day with us!

Morgans 3rd Birthday!

2011-07-14T12:14:00.001-07:00

First off some of these pictures are a little out of order. We started Morgans birthday off by running down to krispy kreme in our jammies to get her free dozen doughnuts. Here are the kids eating them.

This is what happens when I leave the room for 2 seconds. Morgan hands half to box to Asher and he throws them on the floor. Good thing we didnt pay for the doughnuts.

After breakfast we got ready. I did morgans nails and toes. She looks so cute sitting with her hands and feet under the light.

That afternoon I took Morgan to go see kung fu panda 2. It was my second time taking her to the movies. The first time was a year ago and that was a disaster. This time she did relatively good. Towards the end she didn't want to sit in her seat anymore. Overall we had a good time on our mommy daughter birthday date!
Later that evening both my mom and Pauls mom stopped by to wish the birthday girl a happy birthday. We were waiting til Paul got home from work to let her open her presents since he missed out on the previous activities but he wasn't going to be home til late so we opened them with grandmas instead.

Morgan got this dress up set and loved putting all the clothes on. We needed to run to the store after we opened her presents and she insisted on wearing the snow white dress and accessories to the store. How could I resist. She looked too cute!
I can't believe that my little girl is now 3. She is such a joy to have in this family and brings us so many smiles and laughter. Although she does display a lot of behavioral issues associated with the age her sweet personality sure does out weigh it. She is very independent although she still likes to ask us for help with some things. The things that come out of her mouth cracks us up. We love our Morgan Grace so much and are so pleased with how she is growing up!

4th of July

2011-07-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Wow I have been really bad at updating my blog. Well I guess I will start back up with the 4th of July. Sunday I started our festivities by making some fun 4th of July cookies. I have been having fun making sugar cookies with royal icing. I posted a picture on facebook of them and like half hour later I get a text from my aunt saying my cousin showed her the pictures of the cookies and she loved them. Anywho the next day she text me asking if the cookies were for a party that night and I told her no they were just to give out and she asked if she could buy them from me to take to a party she was going to. I thought that was fun!
Monday Morning we went out to breakfast with our friends Kyle and Whitney to a little diner called wild berry. We had a good time visiting and eating our food. We then went to old navy and chilled for the rest of the afternoon. We were supposed to bbq with my family that evening but something came up so we had to cancel. We then went to watch the fireworks over at tempe town lakes. We got there about half hour late but its an hour show so we still saw a fair amount of it. From the free way that is. We were trying to find a parking lot or something to watch the show from but the traffic was so slow we pretty much got to watch the entire show from there. Morgan absolutely loved it and had fun identifying all of the colors of the fireworks. We went home after the show was over and it took us about an hour! Traffic was crazy. Over all we had a good 4th of July even though it was pretty chill. Lame me I didn't get any pictures either... I need to get better at that.

Easter Brunch and Egg Hunt

2011-05-06T23:40:00.000-07:00

Paul and I hosted an Easter brunch and egg hunt this year. I thought it would be fun to invite our friend over that have kids and have an egg hunt since most of them don't have tons of cousins to have them with. We started the morning off by eating fresh fruit and dip, muffins, yogurt, milk and juice. The kids played and then we had the egg hunt. I think it was a success and the kids had a fun time and the adults had a good time visiting. We may just have to do it again next year.

Adults watching Tangled!
Kameryn was so cute. She wouldn't pick up all the eggs she found so that the other kids could have some to pick up too.
Baby charli playing with the eggs during the hunt!
Thank you everyone for coming and joining us in the Easter festivities! We had a blast

Morgan's Grand Fall

2011-05-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

On Saturday the 23rd of April My sister in law and nieces were over while I was doing my sister in laws nails. I let the girls go and play out side. We have a hammock hanging on our back porch and my 5 yr old niece asked if she could play in it. I saw no harm in it and told her she could go ahead and play in it but just to be careful. Well a few minutes later I all of a sudden hear Morgan crying really hard. We were sitting at the kitchen table right next to the back door so I jumped up and ran outside to see what was wrong. Morgan was just hunched over on the ground and I picked her up and immediately started running inside saying she needs stitches. I was running around like a mad woman and thank goodness my sister in law was there to help. I seriously would have freaked out even more if she wasn't. We sat her up on the island so we could put a paper towel on it and Morgan just kept saying I need doctor, I need doctor. Paul happened to be gone at home depot so I was left at home with no car and no car seat to take her to the hospital to be stitched up. I frantically called Paul telling him he needed to get home right away because we needed to take Morgan to the hospital. Luckily he had gotten home and was just hanging out in the garage. My sister in law stayed at the house with Asher until my mother in law could come and watch him and we ran over to the hospital. Thank goodness its less than 2 miles away. We were pretty much the only ones in the ER so we got called back to triage pretty quick and then taken back to a room. While waiting to go back to triage Morgan was just sitting on Paul's lap shaking and just kept saying I need a doctor. And she kept clarifying that she wanted it to be a girl doctor. Finally after waiting for a little while the doctor came in to look at Morgans cut. She was pretty upset that he took of her paper towel and that he touched her owie. He asked what she cut it on and we had to explain that she fell out of a hammock. (I guess I never explained what entirely happened. Niela got out of the hammock and Im guessing Morgan wanted to be a big girl too and climb into the hammock by herself. It must have twisted right as she was trying to get in and I think she went face first into the cement landing right on her cheek bone. The impact of hitting the cement is what busted her cheek open) Any who he said he was going to stitch it up some and steri strip or glue the rest but after evaluating it a little more decided that it needed to be all stitches. He left for a while and Morgan fell asleep while laying on the bed with Paul. Anytime he would move his hand off her face she would wake up and start getting anxious. They moved us into another room and about an hour after we got there the doctor and a nurse came in to stitch her up. They laid her down and had to tie her all up in the sheet so that she couldn't move her hands and then they had the male nurse holding her head, Paul holding her arms that were already tied up, an emt intern holding her legs and me holding her feet. They cleaned her cut out and then numbed it with a shot and covered her face up with towels so she couldn't see. The whole time she was just crying and calling for mommy and daddy and that she wanted her paper towel and a band-aid back on. I felt so horrible and it was just so heart breaking. We just had to keep trying to comfort her and let her know that we were right their with her. Honestly I think she did very well. They put 3 layers of stitches on her. 1 stitch on the first layer, 2 on the next and 8 on top. I was a little surprised that they didn't sedate her a little bit so that she wasn't so traumatized. When it was all over some girl nurses came in that could hear her crying from out in the hall and brought her lots of suckers and stickers. She was pretty happy with that and then we stopped and got her some chocolate milk on the way home. Her favorite! She seemed to be feeling pretty fine( She is a really tough girl) so we went to the store to pick up some last minute easter items. She was getting pretty self conscious with everyone looking at her and asking what happened. We ran to target and tried something on in the dressing room and she saw her stitches for the first time. It freaked her out and she still wont look in a mirror. Whenever we would look at it she would get all mad and say don't look at me! She even told me she didn't want to go to church so that people wouldn't look at it. I felt so bad that my little girl was already aware of what was going on an self conscious about it. We had to clean and ointment up her owie 2-3 times a day and that was always a struggle. She was very scared for us to do it and I don't blame her. We went to get her stitches out on Wednesday and they were only able to take out 3 since she was still so swollen. She had gotten a black eye and had bruising around the cut. So we went back on Friday to get the rest taken out and then she had to get steri strips on right after to make sure it didn't open back up. We finally were able to take the steri strips off on Wednesday so that we could start putting oils and whatnot on it to help with the scaring. Its a pretty decent size scar but I am hoping that if I am diligent with putting the oils and creams on that it will help minimize the scaring and hopefully the fact that she is young will help too.
WOW I think I have written quite enough about it although I could go on and on and on about all my feelings about it. I am just so thankful that nothing more serious happened and that she is fine besides a big scar on her face.

Play date with friends...

2011-05-06T10:24:00.001-07:00

To the ZOO!
My friend Holly and I both have annual passes to the zoo and she happened to have a couple free passes for friends to use, so we thought it would be fun to have a play date at the zoo. Our other friend Kara and her little girl Macee, and my Cousin Mercedes and her little girl Skylee joined us. The kids had a really good time and were all very good troopers. Asher didn't get cranky til the very end, 4 hours later, and Morgan was so well behaved. I on the other hand was having a not so pleasant time. I think I had some food poisoning from the night before and it hit me right when we got to the zoo. I am excited to use our pass more often to have fun times at the zoo!

Stroller buddies! Holly happened to have 2 double strollers and let us use one. It was wonderful!

Looking at the prairie dogs. The kids loved them.

Morgan insisted on holding Kameryns hand for a good majority of the time we were there. Thank you Kameryn for being such a good sport and holding Morgans hand. She loved having a friend to walk with!

Asher's 1st Birthday!

2011-05-06T09:48:00.001-07:00

I know this post is only 2 months late but better late than never right. We Celebrated Asher's 1st birthday on February 26th the day after his actual birthday. We had a fun carnival themed party which included lots of candy, balloon animals, face painting, a photo booth and lots and lots of balloons!

Thank you Liesl so much for helping me with the awesome banner! And for the vinyl lettering on the candy bar plaque.
I was hoping to get pictures of all of the kids in front of the little photo booth. It was a little hard with most of the kids being so little and not wanting to which is perfectly understandable. But here are some pics of a couple of the kids. They are just all so cute!

Asher was so spoiled this year with gifts. He got so many great toys!

His birthday cake. Normally I would have made one but I was stressin out and running out of time so the Costco cake was going to have to do. At least they had one that went with the theme of the party!
I seriously wish I would have video taped asher eating his piece of cake. It was seriously the cutest thing ever! Hopefully the pictures can give you an idea.

Sorry for some reason some of the photos are out of order. We had such a fun time at Ashers party and are so thankful for everyone that came out to help us celebrate this special day with us. We are so blessed to have this little guy in our lives and love him soooo very much! Happy Birthday Bud!

Facts

2011-02-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

I love sleeping on the couch. I pretty much never slept in my room growing up and even when I lived on my own in Utah I preferred sleeping on the couch. Sometimes now I will fall asleep on the couch and then a couple hours later go into my room to sleep.
Speaking of sleeping I absolutely love to sleep. If I had my way I would sleep 10 hours every night.
I am terrified of heights.
Hard to believe that I went sky diving and on a hot air balloon ride when I was 18
I have flown a plane
I HATE fish. I have the biggest fear of them. One year while in California I was out in the water and saw a fish swim by me. for some reason it never registered in my head before that the fish swim all around you in the ocean. I just thought they were WAY out in the ocean. I wouldn't go in the water for the rest of the trip. And was very skeptical of going out in the water for years after. Didn't help that we went to the ocean for a week every year.
I love going to sea world.
I have never eaten fish and never will. Once I tried shrimp and crab but had to spit it out.
I have two kids
I have lived in Arizona, Utah, and Washington
I have been out of the country twice. Once to Canada, and once to Germany.
I am addicted to shopping! (but what girl isn't)
I have been in 2 car accidents where my car has been totaled both times. Neither were my fault. I broke my collar bone in the first one and was air evacced to the number 1 trauma center in the valley.
I love to be creative, whether it be crafts, decorating, designing.
I met my husband when I was 16. He was 18. I also am the one that asked him on the first date. met halloween night at Sonic. We dated for 8 months. I Sent him on a mission. Dear johned him. Then married him.
I have never intentionally eaten a mushroom. Paul always tries to get me too. Even offered to pay me to eat one, but I just can't. They seem disgusting.
I am a really picky eater. When I was little I used to have to drink pediasure for dinner because I would refuse to eat what we were having.
I went to 3 different high schools and enrolled into one of them 3 times. Red mountain, Rogers, Red mountain, Heritage Academy, Red mountain.
I wasn't going to walk at my graduation but about a week before some friends finally convinced me to. I am glad that I did.
My dad helped me start a screen printing business when I was 16 years old. By the time I was 18 I had a pretty steady clientele and was constantly busy with work.
I designed a customized missionary blanket that I have made for 4 people that went on their missions. I have thought about selling them. They are pretty awesome!
I refuse to speak in church. When I was 16 I spoke and was so nervous I read the same paragraph twice. I didn't notice til I was half way through the paragraph for the second time. It scarred me and now whenever we move into a new ward I let the bishopric know I do not speak in church. Its was too nerve racking.
I went to Red Moutain MCC for 1 semester. I only took one class and it was psychology. My teacher pretty much was on crack and we never had one homework assignment. Only quizzes and tests. Easiest class ever if you ask me.
I got my first and only traffic ticket in Utah on my way down to visit my family and to see Paul for the first time since he had been home from my mission. Lets just say it put enough points on my license that if I were to get another ticket in Utah within the next 2 years I would get my license taken away.
I used to bribe my younger to let me cut his hair. That's how much I used to like cutting hair
In 7th grade I won first place at the arizona state fair for a pastel drawing that I did.
Had my first kiss when I was 15. His name was Trevor Nichols
I went to 3 high school dances. 2 homecomings my junior year. One with Heber Ferrin to Mesa highs and one with Cameron Stradling to Mountain View. Neither of them were to my own high school. I then went to my senior prom with Travis Nichols
I am a beauty school drop out. I attended Paul Mitchell the School for 960 hours and dropped out to get married. Had plans of going back but then I got pregnant.
My daughter is named after my sister Morgan who passed away when she was four. Morgan was blessed on August 3rd 2008 which marked the 11 year mark since she passed away. It was a bitter sweet day.
I love the biggest loser. It is pretty much the only show I watch and I cry almost every time I watch it. I find it very inspiring. I even dream that I am on the show sometimes!
My favorite Movie when I was little was the little mermaid.
When I little I used to sit at my babysitters house at the top of the stairs and say when I grow up I wanna be a ballerinarina. I would say it over and over and over.
I used to only ever wear dresses as a little girl.
I was born a blond and I have naturally curly hair. No one believes it because I straighten it everyday.
I have been stung by a jelly fish before.
I love taking hot showers. When I'm pregnant I take at least 2 if not 3 showers a day. I find them very relaxing!
I had a spinal tap when I was just a couple weeks old.
When I was 8 months old I was hospitalized for 3 weeks with osteomylitis.

Day 1 of 90

2011-01-24T21:47:00.000-08:00

I have been wanting to get a gym membership for quite sometime now. For years actually but Paul said the only way I could get one is if I had someone I could go work out with. Which is understandable to give you the motivation to go. Because lets be honest having a workout buddy is so much better than working out alone. Someone to help drive you and keep you going when you feel like quitting because it's getting a little hard. Well I heard about these 3 month fitness works passes for $20 and asked my friend Liesl if she was interested in getting one with me. She said yes and in fact I think it was her nephew who sold them to us for a fundraiser. Anywho tonight was my first time in a gym in 4 years. And lets be honest I have kind of become a couch potato ever since I got married. Liesl on the other hand is a certified trainer which is great for me since my workout buddy can seriously give me some direction since I have NO CLUE what I am doing. Today we started out by doing warm up cardio. Ten minutes in the elliptical Sp? Then we did some squat things while holding weights in our hands. We did 3 different exercises 20 reps each 3 times. She was good enough to complete them all but I seriously couldn't do that many so I probably did about half that. I was really pretty embarrassed that I was that out of shape and I felt like my legs were going to collapse underneath me at any given moment. We then moved over to the machines and did 3 different exercises on the leg press with 12 reps each 3 times. I felt a little better with that one. We then did 15 min cool down cardio. I chose to do the bike over the elliptical since my legs were so wobbly and weak I didnt want my legs to give out on that machine. It felt really good to get back into a gym and I really felt a sense of accomplishment. After high school my friend tony was a trainer too and I would work out with him everyday for about 2 hours and I loved it. I hope I enjoy it this time around because tonight whooped my butt and I feel like I hardly did anything. I just kept thinking how in the world do the people on the biggest loser do this! I would die if I was ever on the show. So, I guess this little 3 month pass will be a good trial run for a real membership someday.

January

2011-01-23T20:19:00.000-08:00

I figure I haven't blogged much for the month of January and it's going to be over here pretty soon. We really haven't been up to very much. Paul has been doing work over at my parents house doing some remodeling so most of our days are spent over at their house playing while Paul works. He also was working with his brother one week, and painting another brothers house which he still needs to finish. I feel very blessed this past month that Paul has had enough work to keep him busy. It has been pretty rough the past while and I am really hoping that he will be able to have enough work to keep him busy for a while and supply us with enough money to pay our bills.
Other than Paul working, and me trying to convince my parents of ways that I think they should remodel their house (which consumes my thoughts way too much. I guess I'm living vicariously through their remodeling wishing I was doing it for my own house. Ha if I even had a house that I could remodel. Someday...) We haven't done much. Besides Morgan getting into the 2 year old stage of throwing tantrums and crying if she doesn't get her way, we had friends over one night and I did 2 little photo shoots for my friend that just got married. It was fun doing the engagements and then my first time ever Bridal shoot. A little intimidating. I also did a nail party for another friends little sisters birthday party. That was a great way for me to earn some extra money. I also went and checked out a cosmetology school a few weeks ago. I was considering going back since I only have 640 hours left and could finish in about 5 months but I just feel like right now isn't the best time financially. Even with financial aid I would still have to pay around 3 grand to go and I don't feel comfortable taking out loans with the way our income has been. Unsteady... Lets see what else...This past weekend it was my friend Krystina's birthday. Well actually its today... Anyways My friend Whitney and I took her out to the Cheesecake factory on Friday night. It was fun to get a little dressed up to go out with good friends and just eat good food, be away from kids for a couple hours, and have good adult conversation. I feel like that doesn't happen often enough...
Next month Is going to be pretty busy with birthdays. We have Paul's brother Nick's, his daughter, my mom, my brother and last but not least Asher's 1st birthday. I can't believe in one month he will be 1.I am still deciding on what I should do for his birthday but I still have a little while to figure it out. Hopefully my next post will be something a little bit more exciting. Until then!

Walking

2011-01-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

My little boy took his first steps yesterday. It was so exciting to see his little feet move on and off of the ground. He only would take four steps before he would fall but I would say that is pretty good for the first day. I'm sure it will be a couple weeks or more before he is fully walking since he is a pretty cautious kid but i'm fine with that. We are just having fun watching him grow, learn and experience new things!

Sunshine

2011-01-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

The other day while Paul was working at my parents I let the kids go and play out front in the grass. The weather was so nice and the sun was shining! They love to be outside but unfortunately our yard only has rock. It will be fun when spring rolls around and we can go play at the parks!

Sleepy Girl

2011-01-12T12:30:00.001-08:00

It's amazing to me how kids can literally fall asleep doing anything, anywhere. I have always seen pictures of kids passed out while eating, and the other day Morgan experienced it first hand. We were just sitting there eating dinner and I look over at her and she was totally passed out while sitting up. I had to hurry and snap a picture before she fell out of the chair. She kept drifting over. My tired little girl sure did go to bed early that night.

New Years...

2011-01-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

We had a pretty low key new years this year. Paul worked over at my parents some and then we went to Fuddruckers with the kids and my brother Brandon. We had a good time visiting and eating good food. Then we went on a trip to good ol Walmart to get some necessary ingredients for a good treat! Once we got home we got the sparklers out and let Morgan have some fun! She was a little nervous at first, but she soon got the hang of holding the sparklers and had a blast. We went through 3 packs of them. We then put the kids to bed and relaxed and watched a movie... I hope everyone had a good new years and we are excited to see what this year has to bring!

Christmas

2011-01-01T20:47:00.000-08:00

This year we had a pretty low key Christmas. We generally have a little family Christmas party with Pauls family but because of wedding stuff we didn't have one this year; and we always do Christmas Eve with my family and have my Aunt Linda and her family over for dinner but both my kids were sick and all of my family as well so we decided to cancel it this year. Instead we hung out with Pauls family. His parents and brother Matt came over about 3:30 and we had Venizias party pizza for lunch and for those of you who don't know these pizzas are huge. The slices are a foot long and the pizza is two feet wide. After we were done eating Paul, Matt and his dad played called of duty for several hours and Pauline and I just hung out and took Morgan to the park. We decided it would be fun to go and see a movie so we went to see True Grit at the 8:00 showing hoping no one would really be there. Boy were we wrong. The theater was packed. I was seriously so nervous the whole time that it was going to be a disaster with the kids there. The last time we tried taking them to the movies it was a DISASTER! But that was about 6 months ago. Morgan fell asleep not long after the movie started and Asher fell asleep close to the end. He did pretty good but did get a little restless. He was tired and is used to just being layed in his crib to go to bed.
To be honest it really didn't feel much like Christmas this year. I think for me so much of the fun is going a getting gifts for people and this year we just didn't have the money to get each other gifts or the kids. On black friday my mom had given me some money to go out and get the kids some winter clothes for their christmas, and of course they got their gifts early so that they wouldn't freeze their bums off this winter. But with a little of the money she gave me I picked up a gift for Asher and one for Morgan at the Disney Store with the sale going on. So at least the kids had those two things to open up on christmas morning. Pauls parents gave the kids their gifts on Christmas eve. They each got two really cool books. Morgans was an I spy and I can't believe how good she does at finding everything.
Here is Morgan and Asher opening their gifts Christmas Morning! They are in their cute Christmas jammies that my parents gave them on Christmas eve. They also got to wear them to the movies. That might be a fun tradition!

Morgans new suitcase with a princess pillow and blanket for when she has sleepovers at Grandma and Grandpas house.
Asher playing with his new toy story figurines.
After we opening their gifts we got ready and headed over to Pauls Parents house for Christmas Lunch. We had a good Prime rib, potatoes, and green beans. The adults just sat around and talked while the kids played. We then went over to my to open up some presents. Most everyone got their presents in advance this year from my parents. Paul got some new hiking shoes and I got a new(but used, but new to me!) coffee table that matches my kitchen table and I love it. My dad also got me photoshop. I got their expecting to just open a couple gifts for morgan but to my surprise there was gifts for everyone. Morgan pretty much opening everyones gifts and she loved all of hers. I got a 3 tiered buffet server thing so I don't have to steal my moms anymore and some cash to go buy some new clothes with and paul got some emergency kit for the car or something like that and some cash for whatever and we also got some movies from my brother and of course paul got his call of duty black ops game. We really could not have been more blessed with the generosity of our families this year for Christmas. I am thankful every year for the gifts both our parents gave us but I think the fact that this year we could not afford any gifts it made them even more special.
Morgan conked out after playing hard with her cousins.

Poor Asher got some poop on his jammies over at grandma and grandpa Holgates house and I didnt have a change of clothes for him and on our way over to my parents he fell asleep so I didnt change him into his clothes I picked up at the house and he woke up in the middle of opening presents and that is why he has no clothes on.
We had a very nice Christmas this year and we hope that everyone else did as well! I am so excited for next year now that Morgan is grasping onto the concepts of everything! And Asher will be old enough to participate some as well!

Paul Mitchell

2011-01-01T20:29:00.001-08:00

All growing up I had a passion for doing hair. I absolutely loved doing it and creating up dos. After high school I even had a job at a little boutique doing updos on little girls hair for birthday parties. After a while I decided to go up to utah and go to Beauty school and Paul Mitchell. I had a lot of fun but dropped out to get married with the intentions of going back. Well there were some dips in the road and by the time I could go back I was pregnant with Morgan and way too sick. And now time has just gotten away from me. Any who, I always thought that I wanted to be a color specialist but when I started going to school at Paul Mitchell and learned how to really cut I got a passion for that. And of course I still love doing up dos. While I went to school we had an opportunity to do some photo shoots to help us build a portfolio. We got to choose our models and then a photographer came into the school and did the pictures. I had a lot of fun doing these. Paul recently found the discs that I got from the shoots and so I rediscovered them tonight and finally put them on my computer. I am hoping to someday be able to finish my school. Here are a couple pics from 2 of the photo shoots that I did!

Double Digits

2011-01-01T16:19:00.001-08:00

I love this boy! Asher is now 10 months old... I can't believe in 2 short months he is going to be 1... Time is flying by way to fast... Here are some current things going on with Asher

He now weighs 20 pounds.
has 4 teeth. 2 on the bottom and 2 on the top with 2 more on the top starting to break through.
This little boy loves his sister and follows her all around the house. I'm glad that they are so close in age and hopefully will be best of friends.
He is starting to like to play with toys more.
I can tell he is going to get into all sorts of mischief just like Morgan. They are both very determined little kids.
Still not walking but he now will walk along things and he can stay standing for a pretty long time. Sometimes he looks like he is going to take a step but then backs down and starts crawling. It's just a matter of time before he starts walking but for now I will enjoy his crawling and that baby stage of him as long as I can because they grow up way too fast.
Asher is always so full of smiles and I love it. It totally melts my heart.
Morgan is the only one that can make him laugh so hard. I don't know how she does it but we love it when she does it. One time she was just shaking a little box of nerds in front of him and he was cracking his head off. I love the sound of a baby's laughter!
Really the only thing he says besides babbling is mamama.
He now waves to people
This morning while I was sleeping he was standing next to my bed and I open my eyes and wave to him and he sat down then got back up then sat down etc while laughing. He was playing peek -a- boo with me and I thought it was the cutest thing ever.

I seriously love this boy to pieces. He and Morgan bring so much joy into our lives and we couldn't have been blessed with better children. I can't wait to see how their personalities grow and blossom. I love being a mamama and a Mommy!

Robert and Kelsey's Wedding

2011-01-01T15:38:00.001-08:00

The Month of December I feel has been a pretty busy one filled with wedding stuff. Almost every weekend has been busy with bridal shower, couples shower, bachelor party, wedding dinner,wedding, and reception. I couldn't help but post pictures of my cute kids in their reception attire. They looked so handsome and beautiful.

Poor Asher was so sick that day. All he wanted to do was to lay on your shoulder and just sleep. I felt so bad for the little guy. Unfortunately I didnt get many pictures at the reception due to Asher and I just sitting around a fire pit all night while he cuddled up with me asleep. I'm not complaining though, I LOVE when they cuddle. I just wish it wasn't because he didn't feel good.
Morgan in her beautiful dress. She is still learning the whole "Smile and look at the Camera" bit.
The back of Morgans hair. Paul likes when I put her hair up all sophisticated like as he calls it. I thought it turned out pretty cute.
A better view of Asher in his little suit. Poor little guy, you can tell just by his face he doesn't feel good.

Arizona Science Center

2011-01-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

About three weeks ago my Cousin Mercedes invited us to go to the Arizona Science Center with her. She had a culture pass from the library so since I was free I accepted her invite and we went. When we got there a worker told us they had the new Monster Stomach exhibit, so we ventured on down to the first floor to go check it out. When he said the word slide in peaked our interest since what little kid doesn't like a slide. Well apparently Morgan DOES NOT like the monster stomach slide. When we went to go down in at the top it starts making farting noises really loud and freaked the crap out of her.

She has this nervous habit of picking at her upper lip when she is scared or nervous and she was just standing over by Asher literally shaking every time someone went down and she heard the farting. Later when we got home and I told her to tell daddy about the slide she would say "It fart on me" It was sad that she was so scared by it but kind of funny later on when she would talk about how the pink tummy slide farted on her and thats all she remembered about the day.
The next thing we went and did was the wheel chair races. It was Morgan and I against Mercedes and Skylie. Morgan and I won both times and Mercedes was completely convinced that there was something wrong with hers because she thought she should have won. All I have to say is don't let me chicken arms fool you in a wheel chair race. I am used to carrying really heavy kids around all day. We came to the conclusion though that they should have these wheel chairs at the gym for people to work out on. Our arms were seriously like jell-o after doing a couple of the races.

They also had an intestine ball pit for the kids to play in. I think we were all a little eerie of how clean the balls were, but we got over it since the kids were having fun in there. Especially my cousin Emily's little boy Titan. Good thing they had Purell hand sanitizers everywhere so we could frequently wash our hands.

Asher chillin in his stroller while all of the bigger kids play. Such a cutie!
They also had this cool thing on the wall where you take these tubes and build yourself a maze to put the ping pong balls down. This was a big hit for Morgan and Skylie.
The boys had the most fun playing with these ball that were floating in the air trying to catch them. It entertained them for probably a good half hour!
Group shot of us mommas with all of our kids!
As we were leaving we thought it would be fun to take some pics of the kids with the fall leaves since they were so pretty. Morgan was having fun. Asher, well by the look of his face I think you can figure it out. Poor boy was SO tired and hungry. It had been a long day for him. And Skylie looks a little unsure.
All in all we had a really fun time hanging out with our cousins! Next time we want to try and get culture passes for the zoo and the Phoenix Childrens Museum. Heard its a blast! By the way I hate when I upload pictures and when I am done with the post realize they weren't all uploaded. Oh well...

Silly girl

2010-12-31T22:25:00.000-08:00

So I am sitting here on the computer on new years eve while Paul is playing his new call of duty black ops play station game that he got for Christmas thinking about a couple of cute/funny things Morgan has said lately that I should document.

The other day as I was sitting her on the potty after she had an accident in her pants I asked her why she went potty in her pant and not on the toilet and she said "cuz I sick". Then Yesterday she got into the bag balm (which is the consistency of A&D ointment) and spread it all over the rug in Asher's room and on the brand new carpet. After she went into time out I was having a conversation with her about why she did it when she knew she wasn't supposed to play with it (same incident happened earlier this year but on my other rug) and her response was "cuz I sick, like grandpa... and grandma" (who happened to be sick on Christmas) Today I asked her if she wanted her ears pierced and she said no so I asked why and the same response "cuz I sick". I guess that is her new excuse for everything. by the way she actually does happen to be sick
We taught Morgan how to blow kisses a while ago and every time we blow her a kiss and she catches it she says "caught it and put it in my heart". It is seriously the cutest thing ever. She says "caught it" all excited and then in the sweetest little voice while putting her hand over her heart and tilting her head to the side says "and put it in my heart" Paul loves blowing her kisses just to get her to say that.

Morgan absolutely loves it when I lay down with her to go to bed. (It started out as a one time thing and now has turned into a habit of hers thinking I have to go to bed in her bed with her every night) Any who, the other night as we were laying there she says mom tittle (tickle) my back, sing me a song. So as she rolled over with her back towards me I started tickling her back and singing frosty the snowman as she sipped on her water. All of a sudden she says "mom roll ober (over) I tittle (tickle) your back and sing you. So I roll over and she stated tickling my back, and sing frosty snowman over and over and over. Those are the only words she remembers. Then she hands me her sippy cup and tells me to drink her water and insisted that I did. If she saw me put it down she would stop tickling my back and stop singing to sit up and tell me "you drink water" Luckily she didnt notice I was only faking drinking her water. (I'm not huge on sharing drinks, especially with a sick little girl) I couldn't help but giggle the entire time she was tickling my back and singing. It was too darn cute. I absolutely love listening to her sing.
Morgan was eating breakfast and put all of her eggs in her mouth to one side and pointed to her cheek and said mom I'm a chipmunk!
Asher bonked his head the other morning and Morgan so lovingly gave Asher a hug and a kiss on the forehead and said he all better now. She is the sweetest most loving and caring big sister to her little brother!
Jan 23rd 2011-Morgan loves going to the park. Tonight while we were at the park She kept going down the slides and counting 1,2,3,7,8 Go. I thought it was so cute and funny that whenever she counts she always forgets the 4,5,6 no matter how often I try and teach her to say them she never does.
Jan 27th 2011- As we were sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch out of no where Morgan starts singing 2 little monkeys. She knew every single word and all the actions. I was blown away because I had never sung that to her before. She must have learned it in nursery. She also knows twinkle twinkle little star. I absolutely love listening to her sing. It is the cutest thing. Tonight when I tucked her in bed she asked me to lay with her, Tickle her back, and sing her a song. Even though this girl is crazy most of the day doing her own thing and never listening she is still the sweetest little girl who I love with all my heart.
Feb 13th 2011- I was telling Morgan Love you baby girl, and she responds, Lub you baby mom! I thought it was hilarious.

I am hoping those were the only main stories I wanted to document. Oh well if not I can always blog about them later, right? Well it is a quarter to midnight now so I better go and spend the last few minutes of the year 2010 with my husband. Hopefully I will get around to blogging about our Christmas, New years, and other happenings soon!

Lessons learned

2010-12-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while my sweet husband let me sleep in a little and was supposed to be watching the kids(probably passed out on the couch) Morgan once again got into some candy. This time it was the peppermint bark high up on the counter in a candy jar. She managed to scoot a chair on over and grab some out, not only for herself but she felt very obligated to share with Asher. No wonder why he loves his sister so much. Because she shares ALL of her food with him. Yesterday it was chocolate, Today it was eggs.(and chocolate) Which brings me to where my lesson has now been learned.
Last night Paul was gone working until about 2:30 in the morning and I sadly was sick in the bathroom for about 2 hours when he got home resulting in both of us not getting to bed until about 4:30. Well this morning I was feeling pretty dehydrated and just aching all over so Paul once again got up with the kids. He put on a movie and came back into bed since he was exhausted as well. I knew from past experience that you just can not leave those two little monkeys alone because they get into way too much trouble. Next thing we know Asher is knocking on the door and Paul goes to get him and there is Chocolate everywhere all over the door and walls. That little boy was so happy though and Morgan was very proud of herself for sharing with her brother. I have now learned my lesson that I can no longer have treats out in any sort of reach and I guess I should probably just stop buying them too. But Just look how cute my Chocolate covered little boy is. Don't you just wanna nibble him all up?!

CupCakes

2010-12-13T20:36:00.001-08:00

Last night Morgan and I made some cupcakes to take to Pauls brother, his wife, and their girls. We loaded some up on a plate and took them over to the girls. Obviously I haven't learned my lesson about leaving stuff out in Morgans reach, because I left the cupcakes we didn't frost on the counter and when we came home and I was sitting here on the computer, I look over and there is cupcakes all over the carpet. And boy are they enjoying them. Of course I couldn't clean up the mess first without documenting their mischief so I can later show them in life what the little trouble makers they once were.

Temple Lights

2010-12-06T09:11:00.000-08:00

Last Night I decided it would be fun to go as a family to go and see the Temple lights. The weather was so nice. Not too warm that it didn't feel like Christmas time, but not too cold that we were freezing our butts off and couldn't enjoy ourselves. Last year Morgan would get so excited to see lights anywhere we were and she would oooh and aaw over all of them. Paul and I were kind of hoping she would react the same way this year because it was so cute. I don't know if its because our kids are kind of sick and were both tired but we hardly got any reaction out of either of them. Morgan did get excited about some of the purple lights though. I think we will have to take them back again when they are feeling completely better and maybe they will enjoy it a little more.

2010-12-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

The Pictures are backwards just fyi. Last night after Paul was working he decided that he wanted to have a fire and eat dinner outside. We went to his parents place to pick up some firewood from chopped up tree branches of theirs and came home and Paul and Morgan got to work on building the fire. The kids had fun and it was nice since it wasn't too cold outside. I am excited to roast hot dogs and marshmallows and tin foil dinners in our new fire pit sometime.

Potty Training

2010-12-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

We stated potty training Morgan back in June and she was doing so good. After the first few days she got the hang of it and then we went on a camping trip and she kind of relapsed, but then we got her back on track. It has been like that for almost the past 5 months where she will do really good, and then she acts as though she never knew how to go to the potty in the first place.
I am feeling so frustrated right now since I have now changed her pants 3 times today and its only 1:10 in the afternoon. I just don't know what to do. We have tried rewarding her with treats, stickers, etc. Then she learned okay if I go potty I get what I want so then we were taking her potty every 5 min and obviously she wasnt going that often just so she could get a treat. I know she knows when she has to go potty because sometimes she tells us and other times she just stands there with her legs crossed saying no pee pee. Anywho, I am just so tired of this going on. I feel like after 6 months of no diapers during the day she would have the complete hang of it by now. And there is no way I am going back to putting her in diapers and starting this all over again. She is old enough now to be potty trained. Sometimes she tells me she wants to wear a diaper because Asher wears them. What am I to do?!

Asher is 9 Months

2010-11-29T22:03:00.000-08:00

Asher is now 9 Months old and I can't believe it. The time has seriously just flown right past me and before I know it my little baby is going to be 1 and no longer my little boy but my big boy. He is such an awesome baby and we have been so blessed to have him as a part of the family. We all just love our little "buddy boys"! We went to the doctor today and got his stats which are

Weight-19.12 pounds (60%)
Height 28 inches (49%)
Head Circumference 17 3/4 inches (50%)

I know I just did a little update on him not that long ago but he has started doing some new things have happened

Asher first top tooth has just popped through and another one is on its way. He will very soon have 4 teeth.
He can stand on his own with no hands for a good amount of time before falling
Today I saw him pushing a toy around and walking with it while leaning on it. I have a feeling it won't be too long before he learns to walk. I give him 2 months.
He is STILL NOT sleeping through the nights. Partly due to teething and being sick and his momma feels way too bad making him cry it out when I know he doesn't feel good.

I pulled out what Morgans 9 month stats were so I could compare the 2 and here they are

Weight-20.2 pounds (75%)
Height-29 inches (90%)
Head Circumference-17 3/4 inches (75%)

Its fun to see how close together they are in the three areas. Its weird though because their head circumference was the exact same but they percentiles are different. Maybe the range is different in boys and girls.

Sprinkles, Sprinkles, EVERYWHERE!

2010-11-29T10:43:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that I must put child locks on every cabinet door, protectors on every door knob, and keep everything out of reach. I was seriously in my room for 5 min when I come back out to find THIS! Morgan and Asher got into my cake decorating stuff and had the time of their lives playing and eating my sprinkles. Funny since I believe it was just yesterday that they were in M&Ms and Ashers face and clothes were covered in those. These two little kids are very mischievous.I better keep a closer eye on them or else I have a feeling I will be cleaning up many more messes like this one. And the one before.
Thank goodness for hard wood floor vacuums otherwise this would have been a horrible mess to clean up. Those round little sprinkles were just rolling around everywhere when you tried using the broom. The floors were seriously covered in sprinkles all over the kitchen. Its a little hard to get mad at them for getting into this huge mess when they just looked so darn cute. Especially Ashers face covered in sprinkles.

The many faces of Morgan

2010-11-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

Morgan is such a funny little girl full of so much personality! She just happened to be sitting on the potty making these goofy faces so I thought I would capture the moment. She seriously makes some pretty funny faces when on the pot. I can't wait to see how her personality flowers and what she will be like when she is older. In the mean time I will just enjoy her as is!

Cousins

2010-11-29T08:42:00.000-08:00

Last week my sister-in-law asked me if I could watch her two youngest girls for a couple of hours. Morgan absolutely LOVES playing with Shelby. They are only 6 months apart in age and always (well most of the time. Lets be honest they are still little and don't always like to share things which results in not being nice to each other) have fun together. They decided that they wanted to sit on the brown chair and watch Toy Story 3. They sipped on juice and ate a bowl of popcorn together. I had to snap a couple of pictures because I thought they were just so cute. Morgan even got a blanket and tried putting it on Shelby. Every time she would kick it off Morgan would put it back on her. She also kept feeding Shelby the popcorn putting each little piece in her mouth. She really is into sharing things lately and I thought it was so sweet of her. Even if Shelby didn't appreciate it all that much though. I am so glad that both my kids have cousins so close to their age. Scarlette is only 5 months older than Asher so I am sure they will be little play buddies also in not too long.

Yard Work

2010-11-28T21:40:00.001-08:00

The other week while Morgan was outside playing in the sprinkling rain, Paul came out to pull some weeds. Morgan is really into helping us out with stuff so here she is helping her daddy do some much needed yard work. Hopefully she still likes it as much when she is older when its required of her to help with yard work and not just doing it for fun!

I just thought that this was a cute picture of her that I snapped of her while she was playing, shoveling up rocks.

Chocolate...

2010-11-28T21:19:00.001-08:00

Morgan has developed a wonderful habit of trying to feed Asher everything she can get her hands on. Last night we had some friends over and I had sine M&Ms out and forgot to put them away. This morning the kids were being pretty quiet so I went out into the kitchen to find Asher with M&Ms all over his face and he was just loving it. I wasn't too thrilled about the face that he had chocolate all over his brand new clothes, but luckily I was able to get it all out I think. He Sure does look like a cute little boy with all of that chocolate on his face though. He probably loves that his sister sneaks him food all of the time!

Update on Morgan

2010-11-14T21:35:00.000-08:00

Here is Morgan's Update

She is now 29 Months old (she will be 30 months next week)
Morgan LOVES to "do homework" which is coloring. She is really actually really good at staying in the lines.
Everything is little baby one or big one when referring to things.
She always has us draw her a mommy, daddy, brother, and morgan whether it be butterflies, fish, cars,etc.
Morgan can now say most of a prayer by herself and its fun to see who she says she is thankful for at the end of the night.
Finally knows her last name
Morgan has quite the personality but is also very timid and shy
This little girl loves her grandparents to death. Both sets!
She knows most of her colors and is learning how to count to ten. She is doing pretty good but sometimes skips a few
Morgan is now potty trained although this past week has been a little rough for some reason. We are hoping this next week will go smooth
She loves to get all pretty and have her hair done and lip gloss on
Morgan LOVES her little brother so much and is always looking out for him and wanting to hold him. She is such a sweet little girl with such a kind spirit
She loves to copy mommy. Today in the car I had the sun visor down and was playing with my hair and I looked up in the mirror to see her doing the exact same thing, so then I was picking at my teeth and she started doing that too. She is so funny
She is always asking mommy what you doin?
She is obsessed with birthdays right now and is always talking about hers. Even though it isn't until May.
She is also always talking about how she was a little purple bike for Christmas. Unfortunately she will not be getting one since we feel she is too young and wouldn't listen to us when we tell her not to ride it in the street. Maybe for her birthday or Christmas next year!

I'm sure there are many more things but it's getting late and I am having a hard time thinking! I will have to post the rest when I can remember the ones I wanted to post

Update on Asher

2010-11-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

I seriously love this little boy so much and his cute little smile! He is such a happy little baby. Not much has been going on here in the Holgate household so I thought I would do an update on the Kids. Asher first

He is now 8 months old. (soon to be 9 months next week)
His adorable once toothless smile now has 2 little teeth on the bottom
Asher is crawling all over the place now on his hands and knees and can pull himself up onto anything. He also has discovered how to climb some. The other day he climbed up onto Morgans bed and has done it several times since and today I found him inside of a laundry basket that neither Paul or I put him in
He still is not sleeping through the nights. He generally wakes up 2 times per night and I am a sucker that doesn't make him cry it out. It seriously breaks my heart to hear him cry. Although I did make him cry it out last night. Hopefully by 9 months he will be sleeping through the nights
Asher absolutely loves to eat little puffy snacks. He goes crazy over those things and really any food in general besides the jarred baby food.
He loves to sit with his daddy and watch action movies and fall asleep in his daddy's arms. (Paul loves it too)

He loves being held. I also love holding him and having him cuddle with me and lay his head on my shoulder. I absolutely love when he falls asleep on my chest.

I can't believe that Asher will be 1 in a little more than 3 months and that he will no longer be my little baby. He is such a joy to have around and we all just love him to pieces. We sure have been blessed with 2 wonderful children.

Kids say the darnest things

2010-11-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

It always amazes me the little things that little kids can come up with and say. The other weekend our good friends Kyle, Whitney, and baby Charli were over for dinner and Morgan really wanted to hold the baby. She was just loving it. I asked Morgan if she wanted mommy to have another baby, and she looked over at me and said "Mommy you got one right there."
(pointing to Asher) And no I am not pregnant...

Family Pictures

2010-10-31T20:54:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago we had the opportunity to have our family pictures taken. I traded glitter toes in exchange for pictures. We went to the ghost town in goldfield and I was in heaven. I absolutely loved the location and couldn't be any happier! For how difficult it is to do family pictures with little kids I think we got some really great ones! Morgan was just super nervous since they were people she had never met and Asher just cried every time I put him down but we managed and got some great individual shot of them. I told the girl that did our pictures that she could just give me the images unedited and I would do it myself to save her time and also so I could achieve the look I was going for. Now I just need to try and figure out which ones I want to print and have up in my house and on Christmas cards. Which ones do you like?

Like the photos and want to check out their other work and pricing click here

Schnepf Farms

2010-10-31T15:54:00.000-07:00

So Paul and his oldest brother Matt decided to go on a hiking trip this weekend leaving me to do the festive activities with the kids.So I thought it would be fun to go to Schnepf farms Friday night and I invited my friend Krystina to come along with us. I thought it would be fun to dress the kids up in their costumes and for us to dress up too since it made our admission 4 dollars less (even though I paid more than 4 dollars for my little costume) We went as characters from The Wizard of Oz. Morgan was Dorothy, Asher the Scarecrow, and I was the Wicked Witch. Krystina was a cute little cow girl. We left about 5 but didn't get there til about 5:30 since it all the way out in Queen Creek. It got dark pretty soon after we got there. I think next time we go, we will definitely go earlier in the day when we can see more.

Cute little Scarecrow

Cute little Dorothy
My two little munchkins getting ready to go in Schnepf Farms
Walking with Krystina getting excited to go inside
They had little trick or treat bags for the kids and some of the shops were giving out candy to the little ones.

Morgan at the petting zoo with the baby goat. She wanted to go inside to pet the goats but then got really nervous when they were all coming up to her. We didn't stay in there too long.
Dorothy, Scarecrow, and the Witch!
They had a cute little hay maze that Morgan wanted to go through. She led us through it and did really good at not getting lost or going to the dead end parts.
Going on the Honey Bee ride with Krystina. I tried to take Asher on it too since I saw other people with babies on it but the guy said Asher was too young. Maybe next time. Morgan had so much fun on this ride and was sad when it ended. She said oh no what happen.
Eating Italian Ice. We shared a Cherry one and it was so delicious!
Last but not least us on the Carousel Ride. We went on it 3 times and Morgan could have rode it all night. I took Asher on it the last 2 times and he was so cute. His horse didn't go up and down but he was so cute holding onto the pole for dear life once it stared moving. He enjoyed it though looking and things while we went around in circles. I totally wish I could have gotten a picture of him in the front with his cute little face and expressions! Morgan was also so excited about it doing her excited laugh the entire time.
We had such a fun time and were so glad that Krystina was able to come with us and join in the fun. I hope we get to go back another time with Paul so he can watch Morgan having so much fun. I am really enjoying taking her to go do special things and seeing how excited she gets about things!

Pumpkin Carving

2010-10-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday we invited Paul's brother Matt, His brother nick and his wife and 3 girls over for dinner and to carve pumpkins. We grilled steaks for dinner, had pumpkin pie for dessert and enjoyed carving the pumpkins. We put the little girls in swimsuits since we figured those would be easy to wash if pumpkin guts got all over them. Morgan liked watching but was not at all interested in touching the insides of the pumpkins. The girls didn't last very long with the pumpkins but had fun running around and playing instead. In the end it was only Nick, Lorena, and I that ended up carving the pumpkins. Matt help gut and Paul played with the babies. Nick carved a snow white pumpkin that turned out really good and Lorena did Tinkerbell and Ariel I think. I did sponge-bob and a traditional jack-o-lantern. Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures of the finished pumpkins. Next time I think we need to not have so many to carve. It took FOREVER!

Midafternoon snack

2010-10-31T15:07:00.001-07:00

Morgan is constantly opening up the fridge and Asher decided to join her this time. I thought it was kind of cute how they were looking through the fridge trying to find things to snack on.

Patches

2010-10-19T10:57:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my sister-in-law invited us over to ride her new pony Patches for Family Home Evening. Of course we accepted her invitation.The weather was perfect outside. Morgan sounded excited to get to ride a horse until it was her turn to get up on it. She was screaming while I was trying to put her up on it, but being the mean mom that I am I made her get up on Patches anyways. Once she was up she wouldn't let go of my hands. She calmed down as soon as I reassured her I wasn't going to let go. We started walking and Morgan had the biggest smile and a nervous giggle. After a little bit we got down to her only holding one hand and eventually she rode all by herself. It was so cute and she had so much fun. She is always so reluctant to try new things which is why I made her get up on him. I knew once she calmed down she was going to love it. She is the same way with food too. Never wanting to try new things. Just like her mommy... We are excited to go back on Wednesday to ride him again. Hopefully Morgan remembers how much fun she had, and doesn't get scared again!

Wonder Pets

2010-10-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

Morgan loves the show Wonder pets on Nick Jr. I have caught her a couple of times building herself a "fly boat". I think its so cute that she is starting to use her imagination. She was sitting in her pile of pillows aka fly boat and really wanted her brother to come join her in there. The only thing they were missing was linny, tuck, and ming ming too.

Sponge Curlers

2010-10-10T14:22:00.001-07:00

Morgan already has curly hair but I thought it would be cute to put some sponge curlers in to give her some volume and curls closer to her scalp. I was so surprised at good she did while I put them in. And she even left them in the entire time they dried. She looked so cute with them in and when I took them out I couldn't believe how curly it came out. She looked so cute. Sadly I didn't get any pictures of her hair once it was all done. I just might have to put them in again sometime. Possibly try a bigger size curler so that they curls to end up so tight the next time!

crazy hair

2010-10-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

I love when this little monkey wakes up with some crazy hair. He must have had some good sleep!

It's raining, It's pouring...

2010-10-05T14:59:00.001-07:00

Back in July we went on a family campout with my family. Right after we got there and started setting up it started pouring. While everyone was running around trying to get things covered up and finish getting tents set up Morgan was just playing in the rain like it was no big deal. Since her clothes were getting totally soaked I decided to put her in her swimsuit to play in the rain. She had a blast. This part of this post was supposed to go after the second part in case you were wondering! Just one of the times we played in the rain!

Here at the Holgate residence we LOVE the rain. Whenever it rains Morgan gets on her rain coat and we go out and and watch it and occasionally go play in it.Today while Asher was down for his nap Morgan and I went out to play in the rain. Sadly it only rained for literally 2 minutes but she still had fun jumping in the puddles. It started raining a little more heavily later on but unfortunately she was down for her nap. Who knows maybe it will rain again a little later on.

toes...covered...

2010-10-04T12:12:00.001-07:00

This silly little girl of mine is very particular of how her blanket is put on her. Her feet must always be covered. Today she was laying on the couch watching a movie and I went and got her pillow and blanket. I put her blanket on and as I was walking away she starts saying mommy coberd (covered) I go over to see what she is talking about and one little foot was hanging out of the blanket. This is not the first time this has happened. Most the time she goes uh toes! I just think its so funny how she always has to have her feet perfectly covered. I sure do love this silly little girl of mine. I guess she gets it from her mommy though because whenever I have a blanket on my feet must be covered too!

Big Boy

2010-10-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

I cant believe how big my little boy is getting. He can now pull himself up on things! And he is also crawling the normal way instead of the army crawl. We were at my parents the other day and they have 2 little stairs from their kitchen to their living room and he crawled up those and also pulled himself up on the side of their couch. Then yesterday I went in his room to get him out after his nap and he had himself pulled up on the side of his crib (hence the pictures of him crying. Just woke up and wanted me to come get him out. I guess it didn't help that I had to go and grab the camera to take a picture of him standing up) Its so fun to watch my kids grow and learn and experience new things. Its just so weird to me that Asher is just now starting to pull himself up although I know he is going at a normal pace. Morgan was just a very determined baby and was pulling herself up on things at 5 months! It is kind of nice though to feel like I have had a baby for so long. Morgan just grew up so fast that I never felt like I had a little baby for long. But heck she didnt even come out as a little baby. More like a 2 month old! Any who, these are Ashers accomplishments as of now!

Spongebob...

2010-09-29T10:59:00.001-07:00

While Paul and I were at Wal-Mart the other night we wondered over to the baby section so that we could pick up Morgan some more panties since she is potty training. (ha ha funny side story, the other day I was going to the bathroom and Morgan came up to me and said "Mommy potty training too?" I thought it was hilarious!) Any-who, while we were over there I noticed that they had cute character jammies for only $5.00. They had cute buzz ones from toy story, spongebob, etc for the boys and princess, dora, spongebob, etc for the girls. Paul really likes spongebob and last christmas we got Morgan a pair of spongebob jammies but when we saw that they had spongebob ones in both Morgan and Ashers size we just had to get them. I thought they looked so cute together in their little matching pajamas. Now I feel like I wanna stock up on cute jammies since they are only $5.00.

Jump and Shout

2010-09-28T09:57:00.001-07:00

On Monday My sister-in-law Lorena and I took the kids to this fun place called Jump and Shout over in the Dobson Riverview shopping center. When we got there we were the only ones there so it was super fun since we had the entire place to ourselves. The girls were having a blast jumping in the bouncy houses, going down slides, and crawling through the tunnels, and climbing up the stairs. They had two BIG slides that the girls had to climb to and they absolutely loved the slide. Even us adults were having fun crawling through with the kids and going down the slides. Morgan had a blast but was scared to go through by herself. Probably because the netting felt unstable to her, and you are crawling way up high. She did good when I was right by her though. I'm sure the more we go, the more she will get used to it and feel comfortable going through by herself. Right now they are doing a buy one get one free til the end of the month so I think we are going back on Thursday so we can get the membership. Its $25.00 for 2 months. Seems like a good deal to me! We can't wait to go back!

Got Bangs?

2010-09-25T22:47:00.001-07:00

This morning we finally cut Paul's hair. He put a headband in his hair and came out to show me and it was just disturbing how much it looked like a girls hairdo so I said it had to go. It was me that wanted him to grow it out in the first place and I didn't want to cut it til after Halloween so that we could do something fun to it. Anyways after I cut his hair, Morgan decided that she wanted hers cut too. That was absolutely out of the question since her hair is getting SO long and beautiful but her bangs were needing some attention. I had them as side bangs before but they always seemed to still be in her face so I thought we would be daring and try the straight across ones. My niece has them and super cute on her and they have similar characteristics so I thought it would look good on Morgan too. I am pleased with how they turned out and I think Morgan can totally pull off this look! I have such a cute little girl!
We were invited to a birthday party for one of my old friends from elementary school little boy. She had the party at this fun place called jump and shout. They have huge inflatable jump house things and slides for them to slide down and things to jump all over, crawl through, and climb. When we first got there Morgan was a little timid and shy and wouldn't play but after lunch, cake and presents she was ready to go and play. I tried taking pictures but the quality of them is just so bad I didn't bother posting any. She had such a fun time and since my friend has a membership there we plan on going back with her and her little boy to play. Even Asher had a fun time crawling around. Luckily on Mondays its only $5.00 to go which isn't too bad and you can stay however long you want. I am trying to find fun things that I can take Morgan to go do. Next thing we are going to do is go to a splash pad. I will blog about that next week.

7 months

2010-09-25T21:41:00.001-07:00

Asher is now 7 months old. I can't believe it! He has grown so fast and I just want this little boy to stay little. Here are some of the things going on with Asher

He sleeps through the nights now. (waking up once in the morning generally around 6 or 7 to eat then goes back to sleep for a couple of hours.)
Started eating solid foods. He is such a good eater and eats every baby food I feed him except for the meats. He doesn't quite like those yet and I don't blame him since they smell like cat food. He is really good about eating the green vegetables which is great since Morgan wouldn't even touch them.
Asher is now crawling all over. Or should I specify that he is only army crawling?. Nonetheless he is getting all over the place now.
He still has no teeth. Although I think two of his bottom ones are going to break through here anytime now. I do love that toothless grin of his though!
This boy loves to smile and it melts my heart.
Totally a mommas boy, but I love it. It totally makes me feel special knowing that my kid loves me!
He No longer has me rock him to sleep. When he is ready for a nap or bed, I lay him down and he just shuts his eyes and falls right to sleep.
Loves his big sister. She can make him laugh better than anyone else and I adore it more than anything. One time she was just shaking a little thing of nerds in front of him and he was cracking up like no other.
Can now sit up while taking his baths and play. He absolutely loves to splash the water
Thoroughly enjoys looking at himself in the mirror and trying to play with his reflection. It is too cute.

Well thats all that I can think of right now! All I can say is I just love this little boy to pieces!

uh-oh!

2010-09-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

the pictures are a little out of order but this is what happens when I leave her alone for 2 seconds. She has figured out that if she wants something she can't reach she gets a chair, scoots it over to what she wants, and gets it. It has happened twice today already and I even moved the brownies to a spot I thought she wouldn't be able to get to them at after it happened the first time. She was just so cute and full of smiles and when I walked in the room she yelled BOO MOM!

Corn rows

2010-09-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

Pauls hair has been getting pretty long so the other night while he was sitting at the computer I thought it would be fun to see if I could french braid it. After I put a little one in his hair, Paul asked me if I could put some corn rows in for him. We sat down and put them in while watching a movie. It took about 2 hours to do, granted it was my first time ever doing them. When we were all done I just couldn't help but laugh. What really got me laughing was when Paul was in the bathroom looking at them in the mirror and realized that the guy from the Realtor office was coming the next day to bring us our mailbox key and he got all embarrassed all was like Sydney I totally forgot that guy is coming tomorrow. What am I going to do? You have to be the one to answer the door!. I just busted up laughing. They only lasted less than 24 hours because he said they were quite uncomfortable since they are so tight. It was fun and I am glad that I have a fun husband!

This is Pauls hair after he took them out. What a great mug shot eh?

Can he get any cuter?

2010-09-13T19:57:00.001-07:00

Ah this boy makes me smile! He is just too stinkin CUTE!

Tired girl

2010-09-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

The other day I put Morgan in Ashers high chair to eat a snack while I went and did some things around the house. When I went back into the kitchen this is how I found her. She must have been one tired little girl because she has never fallen asleep while eating before... And I actually found her like this again yesterday! I thought she just looked so cute in there I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall

2010-09-12T21:44:00.001-07:00

Asher found himself in this mirror yesterday and was so excited about him new friend. It was so cute watching him play with his twin in the mirror and trying to give himself kisses! I just love this little boy. It makes me sad that he is growing up so fast... Why can't they stay little forever?!

Two little Monkey's

2010-08-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

I love my two little monkey's! They melt my heart. I couldn't even imagine my life without them, and I look forward to the day they will be best friends running around and playing together getting into all sorts of mischeif!

Pizza anyone?

2010-08-21T13:43:00.001-07:00

Mmmm PIZZA!This sure is tasty!

I wanna gobble it all up!

Why didn't anyone tell me it wasn't real?

I want the real stuff like you guys get!

Grocery store fun

2010-08-21T13:28:00.001-07:00

A couple of days ago my cousins wife Mercedes and I ventured off to the grocery store with Morgan and her little girl Skylie. When we got there Morgan really wanted wanted to ride in the car grocery cart. I felt like I was pushing a bus around but Morgan and skylie sure had a fun time "driving" the car around. When we were stopped in an isle Morgan decided to do some grocery shopping of her own. Notice all of the cans by her feet in the car? Good thing we noticed them and didn't walk out of the store with unpaid for merchandise!

Morgan and skylie driving their car!

Just like mommy!

2010-08-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

I wish I would have been able to get a better picture of this but Mogan is so hard to get a good picture of... She knows what a camera is now and refuses to let me take pictures of her... Anwho this is Morgan when she got out of the shower... She now likes to wear a showercap and a big girl towel just like mommy! I thought it was too cute! This girl is constantly making me laugh... I love having a little girl!

Kisses

2010-08-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

Last night our friends Stacia and Waid came over along with their little girl Breckyn... Breckyn was giving Asher kisses and this was the result... Look at him attacking her! If you look closely you can see his death grip on her shoulder... I think he was super excited that he was getting some attention and just went CRAZY! I love this little boy!

Big Boy

2010-08-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

Asher is finally able to sit up on his own... He has been able to sit up for a while now but would fall over pretty much after 10 seconds... A couple of days ago he started being able to sit up on his own for a couple of minutes! It definately took Asher a lot longer to sit up on his own than it did Morgan... She was sitting up on her own at 4 months and crawling at 5 months... Asher will be 6 months on Thursday... Although he isn't crawling yet these past couple days he sure looks like he is trying to... I just want to enjoy the time is isnt mobile and not getting into things and soak up all of this baby! They just grow up way too fast!

Happenings as of late

2010-08-16T00:44:00.001-07:00

As of lately not much has been going on. We went camping with my family a few weeks ago and that was fun... It was nice to get away for a little bit and not really have to worry about anything... I have tried posting about it several times but for some reason it won't let me upload the pictures... Lets see... Asher is now 5 Months... I started feeding him more solid foods... I am happy that he doesn't mind eating green beans... However I get somewhat frustrated trying to feed him since he does this wierd thing with his tounge that results in him pushing half the food out of his mouth... And its not because he doesnt like it... This kid seriously wants to eat anything that is in front of him... He is constantly trying to steal food and drinks from morgan... One time he was successful at stealing a piece of bacon from her! Asher still isn't sitting up on his own yet... He can sit for about 3 seconds(sometimes a little longer) and then falls over... Its so wierd to me because morgan was already crawling at 4 almost 5 months... Oh well I am sure he will in his own sweet time! He sure is a needy kid as well, always wanting attention and to be held... I guess its partially my falt since I baby him so much but I love that he is my little cuddle bug! He sure is a good baby though and I love this little boy to death! I can't believe he is going to be 6 months in just a couple of weeks! He is growing WAY too fast!

Morgan is now 26 months and lets just say her personality sure is coming through... I love this stage that she is in where she is learning so much although I will admit I don't have much patience when it comes to the "terrible two's". This girl sure does know how to test my patience... Currently we are potty training Morgan... She was doing SOOO good until we went camping and once we got back it was only half the time she was going in the potty... We are now having her completely diaper free during the days and I guess we will just have to stay home all day until she gets the real hang of it... I know she can do it! Morgan is constantly cracking Paul and I up with all of the funny things she says! I love this little girl and she puts such a big smile on my face! Right now Paul is working at my parents doing some drywall work... He took of the ceilings in the bathroom and laundry room and morgan went in the bathroom and says oh no its broken. Daddy broke it... Paul happened to be up in the attic and I asked morgan if daddy was going to die up there...(something I probably should not have said) Paul peeked his head down and morgan with real concern said oh no daddy fall... and the entire time he was coming down the ladder she kept saying daddy fall(she was worried he was going to fall) Anywho the other morning when she woke up she was asking where daddy was and I said he was at grandpas and she goes oh no daddy broke it, daddy died... Anytime you say something about grandpas now thats what she says... we constantly have to remind her that daddy is okay and didnt die... She is too cute and sure does love that daddy of hers!

We are going to be renting a house and will be moving in 2 weeks. We are so excited to finally be in a bigger place and have a backyard for morgan to play in. The poor girl gets stir crazy being inside all day. We will be busy packing up things for the move but I will hopefully get a post and pictures up of the move and our new place once we get all settled in!

Silhouette Fun

2010-06-29T14:26:00.001-07:00

Pauls cousin David just got engaged and is down here with his fiance for the summer doing pest control... He recently asked me if I would be willing to their engagement photos and I of course said yes after making sure they understood I was by no means a professional... Anywho he was telling me that he wanted some silhouette ones done... I had no clue how to do them but after searching about it on google and practicing this is what I got... We were over at my parents house for sunday dinner and when the sun seemed just right my dad, Morgan, Paul, Asher and I headed down the street to play with the camera in hopes of capturing what we had set out to acheive... I still have some learning to do but I thought they were fun and turned out pretty good... I'm excited to hopefully capture some of David and his fiance when we go do their pictures!

Asher is 4 months

2010-06-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

Passed out before his doctors appointment... He wore himself out playing on the floor!

Ashers current stats are:

weight-16.11 (90%)
height-26 1/2 (90%)
head circumference 16 (10%)

Some things that are going on in the life of Asher

He can now roll over...(although he doesn't do it very often)
Has found his thumb... we are trying to break this by putting a little mit over his hand...
Loves to coo!
Enjoys watching the t.v.
Somewhat sleeping through the night...
Still takes 2-3 naps a day... Who knows maybe even 4... I loose track...

I can't really think of anything else but im sure if he starts doing more things I will blog about it later... I was looking through Morgans stats on 4 months and here they are... Its interesting how they are almost identical...

Morgans 4 Month Stats

Weight-16.7 (75%)
Height-26 3/4 (90%)
Head circumference 16 (10%)

All Dolled Up

2010-06-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

Morgan loves getting all pretty and having mommy put mascara and lip gloss on her along with her necklaces and bracelets... I thought it would be fun today to straighten her hair and put full on make-up on her... We did the foundation, powder, bronzer, eye shadow, mascara, and lip gloss... She loved every minute of it and couldn't wait to go and show daddy how pretty she was... Here are a few pictures of her all dolled up... I sure do have one pretty little girl!

Happy Fathers day!

2010-06-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

Happy Fathers day Paul and DAD! We had a great fathers day this year... We went over to my parents for breakfast in the morning and had quite the feast... We had pancakes, muffins, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, sausage, and orange juice... We later went to Pauls parents house for dinner and had yummy taco salad...

Thank you Paul for being such a wonderful daddy to our kids and thank you DAD for being such a wonderful dad and example in my life... Love you guys!

Sad face

2010-06-18T14:17:00.001-07:00

I almost feel bad saying this but I think Asher has the cutest sad face ever... Whenever he is about to cry you can tell because he gets these big sad eyes and his cute little bottom lip curls under... I put a pic of his sad face up as our desktop background and Paul asked me why I put that one up of him and not one of him smiling and I just said I couldn't help it since I thought he was so cute in it... I definitely love his big smiley face to though! Hes just too cute all around!

Sweet girl

2010-06-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

I love this sweet little girl... She without a doubt makes me laugh and smile everyday! I feel SO very blessed to have her as a part of my life... She definitely brings me so much joy and happiness! How did I get so lucky?!

Falcon Field Park & Picnic

2010-06-16T00:27:00.001-07:00

So don't mind that almost each and every post of mine has like a gazillion pictures... I am just a picture person... I absolutley love taking them, and even more, looking at them... And since I have decided that this blog is pretty much serving its purpose as a photo journal here we go...

Today I decided that I wanted to go out and spend some time with Morgan... I feel like sometimes I neglect spending time with her since I am busy with baby, cleaning, etc... I asked her if she wanted to go on a picnic with MOM today and Paul asked if I was just going to take her... I responded by saying no I think I will take both of them, and then Paul suggested that I ask my dad to go with us to have our picninc at the park...So I called my dad and he gladly accepted our invitation... I packed up the kids and we headed over to grandpas to pick him up, and then over to Subway to get our dinner( a yummy orchard chicken salad sub) and then over to the falcon field park... After eating my dad and Morgan went to go play on all the fun toys! I stayed back with asher, put the zoom lense on the camera, and went to work taking fun picutres of Morgan and Grandpa at play...

Just sitting in his carseat watching Morgan and Grandpa at play... Such a happy boy!

Staying hydrated in the hot Arizona heat

laying in the grass... Love those chunky feet!

Funny story...Morgan loves money and so my dad had given her a quarter to put in her little purse... Well when she went to go play on these little bouncy animals she gets out her quarter and starts trying to find the slot that you put the money in... As if it was one of those electronic moving toys outside of grocery stores or in the malls sometimes... which is wierd becuase she has never even been on one so to get the idea of putting money in it baffles me... I guess she is just a smart girl... Anywho, she was looking all over for little slots to put her precious little quarter in...

Well what do you know... All of a sudden we hear a "clink" and she had found a slit to put her money in...(I dont know if you cab see it in the pic below but where the silver part is)

Morgan insisted that she put more money into the squirell so here is grandpa trying to find some money...

He found a penny to give her!

And there she goes... if you look close you can see her putting it into the slot...

We had a fun day at the park with grandpa and look forward to going back many more times!

Asher's Blessing

2010-06-15T23:39:00.001-07:00

We finally did it... We blessed Asher... I feel bad that he is almost 4 months old and we are just now blessed him... Oh well I guess the important thing is that we did... On Sunday we had a nice blessing for Asher... One of the couselors in the bishopric came over to our place to bless Asher so that my dad and brothers would feel more comfortable coming... I am so glad that he was willing to come to our place... I think it made the world of differnce for my family... I am SO grateful aswell that my dad and brothers made the effort to come and support us in this special day... I know how uncomfortable those situations can be for them... Along with my family being there was Pauls family minus his younger brother Robert and his older brothers wife... Paul did a great job on blessing Asher although I will admit I was a little distracted since Morgan was being loud trying to tell her cousin Neila to get out of her chair... After we blessed him we had dinner... Sweet pork salads and burritos and Paulines homemade red salsa and my dads homemade green salsa... It was all very delicious! We had a good time visiting and taking some pics! Here is Asher being super handsome in his blessing outfit...

Asher with his grandpa Holgate

My little brother Tanner

My lovely Mother

Pauls older brother Nick

My dad

My older brother Brandon

My mother-in-law... I jsut couldn't resist posting... Its an awesome pic!

Swimming!

2010-06-15T23:24:00.001-07:00

I thought it would be fun to take Morgan swimming this year since she Loves the water... (taking showers that is) We took her a couple times last year but didnt show much interest... I took her one day and she did not want to leave... She kept saying to me swimmin once we got home and I had no clue what she was saying.. It sounded a lot more like the word cinnamon... Hehe Paul had to let me know what she was saying... We have now gone to the pool a couple of times so far this summer and look forward to going more... She never wants to leave but mommy gets kind of bored sometimes since its generally just us two there at the pool... Morgan discovered the hot tub and absolutely loves it... I enjoy it too although when its already 11o degrees outside I cant stand to be in there that long... After swimming we like to enjoy eating a popsicle! I love summer days! Now I just need to get Paul to come down with me so we can take Asher swimming too!

Craft night

2010-06-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

My friend Jamielyn and I are going to be hosting a craft night Next friday the 18th from 6:30pm-whenever... We are going to have 6 different crafts offered that are cute summer and 4th of July themed... We will also be having yummy treats! It will definatley be a fun girls night! Check out our blog where you can order the crafts! http://domesticgirls.blogspot.com

Asher's 1st haircut

2010-06-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

For an early birthday present I picked up some new clippers for myself and thought I would put them to some good use and give Asher his first real haircut since he was starting to get spots on his head where his hair wad wearing down... I sat him in his bumbo, put on a cape and got to work... I used clippers on the sides and scissors on the top... He did fairly well... The sides ended up a bit shorter than I was wanting but thats okay because he is still as handsome as can be... And now his worn down spots don't synd out as much!

Cute Boy!

2010-06-01T17:19:00.000-07:00

I can't get over it... This boy is just TOO CUTE!

Sunday stroll to the park...

2010-05-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

The weather this Sunday was actually quite nice out and Morgan was dying to go outside and play so we decided to take the dog on a walk and let Morgan go and play at the park... Paul and Morgan had fun playing around while I of course took pictures! (My dad wanted me to take some since he wasn't feeling up to coming with us) After Morgan was through playing with Paul she decided to take taz for a walk and was running around all over the park with him... She was having a blast, however I think Taz was about to die since he is an overweight miniture rat terrior that never gets any exercise... It was dark when we left, but decided we need to go back another day with taz when its still light out!

3 Months old!

2010-05-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

This little Monkey is already 3 months! I can't believe it... He has grown so much in the past 3 months and has definately grown into a chunky little baby!

Some things about Asher

He is now starting to try and roll over
sleeps for about a 5 hour stretch at night
can now tell who his mommy is from other people (sadly he cries most the time when people hold him who he doesnt recognize)
plays with toys that are hanging above him
LAUGHS (and I absolutely LOVE it)
And is all Smiles!

We sure do love this little monkey of ours!

She's 2

2010-05-28T11:33:00.001-07:00

Morgans 2 year stats
Weight 28.6 pounds (75%)
Height 36 inches (90%)
Head circumference 18 1/2 inches (50%)

I can't believe that my little girl is finally 2... Where did the time go? We are so glad that we have been blessed with such a beautiful and loving daughter... She brings so much joy and laughter into our home... Here are a few things about Morgan

she loves milk... Its practically all she ever wants to eat(or should I say drink) besided sweets
Loves to play in the water... Mainly the shower... Most times you can just stick her in there and she will play with her little duckies and bowls filling them up with water and dumping it out.
She can say quite a few words now and is starting to form very short sentnces
enjoys watching movies.... I love watching her watch them and hearing her laugh at them and say "that funny"
she LOVES shoes... I guess she got that from her mommy...
likes to get her hair done and be all pretty and then go show daddy how pretty she looks... Such a little girly girl but I wouldnt have it any other way!
sleeps for about 12 hours every night and gets a nap in about half the time
loves to go bye bye and play with other little kids
enjoys being outside
always is willing to give her mommy a hug and a kiss whenever I ask
she will throw away diapers and fetch diapers and burp cloths for me
she Loves playing with her brother although outsiders might see it more as pestering
Morgan is quite the busy bee and enjoys getting into everything that she shouldn't be getting into
recently has started to enjoy coloring... and not just on paper (my couch pillows)
This girl loves gum... Another thing she must have inherited from me

Happy Birthday Morgan! We sure do love you!

Party Time

2010-05-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sunday Evening we had a little family party for Morgans birthday over at my parents house... Pauls parents and his brother Nick, his wife, and their 3 girls came as well... We had barbeque beef sandwiches for dinner with potatoe salad, brocoli salad, baked beans, chips, and watermelon... I didn't make a cake for this party but I did make some mini cupcakes that I think turned out super cute!

Morgan was so excited to open her gifts she couldnt even wait for us to all get seated before she started ripping them open...

She loved her princess panties and couldn't wait to put them on... she made Paul put a pair on her right then!

Morgans little cousins looked sad that they didn't have gifts to open to so Morgan was kind enough to let them help out a little...

The girls in their cute princess shoes... My parents got her a pack of four and she absolutely loves them... Ever since Sunday she insists on wearing them to the store!

blowing out her birthday candle

I had originally bought stuff to do a cake for her party on Sunday but just got to busy and didn't have time so I decided to make one for her Party on her actual birthday... It was not my original design but I think it still turned out cute... I was able to get some practice and am excited to make Paul one for his birthday...

So on Morgans birthday we thought it would be fun to have some of mine and Pauls friends over for a party... We had sweet pork burritos and salads with homemade salsa and mango salsa... I think it turned out really good and was pretty tasty!

All of our friends were so great and got Morgan awesome gifts... I really wasn't expecting it especially from Pauls single guy friends... She loved all of her gifts!

Thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate this special little girls special day!